There is one seat left on the train, and someone has put their bag there. What do you do?

  • Aggressively demand that the bag produces a ticket.

  • Use the floorspace to practice your yoga and get some good vibes pumping round the carriage.

  • Briefly flirt with the idea of confrontation then panic and push the Emergency Stop button.


You receive a bigger than expected gas bill. What's the plan now?

  • Change your name and move to Switzerland.

  • Phone your provider to thank them for all their great service, and offer a generous tip.

  • Tear open your gas pipes and defecate down them.


You drop your new phone and crack the screen. What happens next?

  • You call 999 and sob down the phone in the hope that a kindly fireman will be able to glue it back together.

  • You show off the cool new "stressed" effect to your friends. OMG so #vintage.

  • You smash every glass surface you encounter for the next week. If you suffer, everyone suffers.


You got doorstepped by an election campaigner. What do you say?

  • "Me no speako Ingleso."

  • "Are you the liars or the paedos?"

  • "You're not getting my vote... until you've come inside for a cupcake!!! xx"


You have a new boss. How do you start their first day?

  • Urinate around your desk and growl if they come too close.

  • Gift them a leatherbound print-out of your office browser history from the past year so they can see how varied your interests are.

  • Lock them in the stationery cupboard and tell your co-workers they never turned up.


Your mum has been trying to call you for a week. What do you do?

  • Ignore her calls for as long as possible then ask for a maternity test.

  • Send her every "Your Mum" joke your friends have ever texted you and demand she explains them all first.

  • Take a week off work so that you can dedicate yourself completely to answering questions about your diet.


Your partner proposes an expensive holiday. How do you respond?

  • "Why do half measures? Let's quit our jobs and become scuba instructors in the Maldives."

  • "Oh I get it... you're saying I spend too much time with my friends."

  • "Thanks, I didn't get you anything."


Click here to reveal your result

You are starting 2015 with a positive, can-do approach. This will pay dividends in March with an unexpected windfall. Unfortunately you will spend most of it in on construction work in July when dry-rot is discovered in your cellar. Your trademark easy-going attitude will also be tested when doctors diagnose you with lactose, gluten and crisp intolerances. An unavoidable trip down the M1 on a bank holiday will also fare badly and result in an end to one of your most valued relationships. Finally, be sure to pick up binbags before you head home tonight. Your cat is already dead.

You have a tendency to avoid conflict rather than deal with your issues. This leads to a reluctance to book doctor's appointments, which will result in an itchy February. Your indirect approach will start to pay off however, and you will be promoted later in 2015 to a job you have no idea how to do, only to discover you are surrounded by people even less competent than you, so you can easily wing it. You'll break your favourite mug on the 7th of October, but don't worry, an unexpected encounter with Geoff from Byker Grove in a Soho knocking shop four hours later gifts you an anecdote which will last you the rest of your life. You also gain a lot of weight, become a parent, and finally take that tap-dancing class you've been thinking about.

You are an angry and uncompromising sociopath; the ideal person to navigate the cynical and morally bankrupt world of 2015. You will swiftly rise to the top of a major investment bank, dispatching your enemies with ruthless ease. A marriage into the wealthy Cadogan family ensures your fixture in the upper echelons of British society, and a peerage soon follows. You will endure a minor scandal in September involving the sale of chemical weapons to a middle Eastern dictatorship, but the public soon forget after a good-humoured appearance on Have I Got News For You in which you mercilessly rib guest host Richard E. Grant over his poor elocution.