Aggressively demand that the bag produces a ticket.
Use the floorspace to practice your yoga and get some good vibes pumping round the carriage.
Briefly flirt with the idea of confrontation then panic and push the Emergency Stop button.
Change your name and move to Switzerland.
Phone your provider to thank them for all their great service, and offer a generous tip.
Tear open your gas pipes and defecate down them.
You call 999 and sob down the phone in the hope that a kindly fireman will be able to glue it back together.
You show off the cool new "stressed" effect to your friends. OMG so #vintage.
You smash every glass surface you encounter for the next week. If you suffer, everyone suffers.
"Me no speako Ingleso."
"Are you the liars or the paedos?"
"You're not getting my vote... until you've come inside for a cupcake!!! xx"
Urinate around your desk and growl if they come too close.
Gift them a leatherbound print-out of your office browser history from the past year so they can see how varied your interests are.
Lock them in the stationery cupboard and tell your co-workers they never turned up.
Ignore her calls for as long as possible then ask for a maternity test.
Send her every "Your Mum" joke your friends have ever texted you and demand she explains them all first.
Take a week off work so that you can dedicate yourself completely to answering questions about your diet.
"Why do half measures? Let's quit our jobs and become scuba instructors in the Maldives."
"Oh I get it... you're saying I spend too much time with my friends."
"Thanks, I didn't get you anything."