“I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.”
“Onions make me sad. A lot of people don’t realise that.”
"A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer."
"Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, 'I apologise'. Except at a funeral."
"If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters."
"Another term for balloon is bad breath holder."
"When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults."
"I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it."
Would E. Allan
"For Christmas last year I got given Sudoku toilet paper. It's useless. You can only fill it in with number ones and number twos."
“I used to think an ocean of soda existed, but it was just a Fanta sea.”
“I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg. I said: ‘I bet I know what your favourite Christian festival is.’ He said: ‘You have to love Easter, baby.’”
"My brother and his friends spend all of their time floating out at sea. Well, boys will be buoys."
Stewart Lee and Bridget Christie
Jo Brand and Jimmy Cricket
Sarah Millican and Gary Delaney
Sara Pascoe and John Robins
"I went up to the airport information desk and said "How many airports are there in the world?""
“I saw a bank that said ‘24 Hour Banking,’ but I don’t have that much time.”
"I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed a goat."
"My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said “Alright, fatty”."
“I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, ‘The man goes on top and the woman underneath.’ For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.”
"When I was born, my mother asked the doctor, 'Will she live?', and the doctor said, 'Only if you take your foot off her throat'."
"I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property'."
"I can always tell when my mother-in-law's coming to stay – the mice throw themselves on the traps."