This Kid’s 1994 Jurassic Park Fantasies Are Awesomely Mundane
In 1994, ten-year-old Michael M started putting together a dossier of documents detailing his imaginary life as a reasonably low-level employee in the computing department of InGen, the genetic engineering company responsible for the dinosaurs that populate Jurassic Park. He recently unearthed it, and it's an incredible snapshot of fairly unexciting day-to-day life including inter-office communications and security protocols.
"I was just really into computers and thought Samuel L Jackson's character in Jurassic Park [John Arnold] was the best, so I wanted to be part of that coding gang," Michael tells us. "I've even drawn sketches in the dossier like I've just been kicking about the office with Arnold and Nedry. I think this says I just desperately wanted friends rather than a powerful job."
He awarded himself a pretty decent daily salary, although it would be a while (61 years) before it was up for review.
"Given that I seemingly integrated marketing, advertising and bizarre genetics into my computer programming role, I think I absolutely earned that cash," he says. "Although, in retrospect, maybe it would've been better spent on health and safety."
He incorporated all these areas of expertise and more, including producing almost photorealistic vehicle designs...
In-depth genetic microscopy...
Almost painfully accurate cartography...
New computer design...
3-D ride prototypes complete with Extra Strong Mint sponsor...
And whatever this is. It says it's a modem. "I had no idea what a modem was," says Michael.
His attention to detail was impressive – most people wouldn't feel the need to point out that their jeep wasn't actually a Jurassic Park jeep, but in fact a regular jeep registered as a Jurassic Park one.
There are elements of foreboding, such as the claim that these jungle river boats are dinosaur attack-proof "so nothing horrific should happen".
Twenty years on, did Michael end up being a coder/geneticist? No. "Turns out I can't code for shit," he says. "I'm utterly useless at all the things I describe in the dossier in tedious detail. I am absolutely available to scribble on a balloon though, provided it's sponsored by a tier one mint organisation."
He's still using his skills for good though – he's the man behind Slightly Wrong Quotes...
...and a bizarre tribute to "melty-faced Friends episodes that never happened".
And what of the future? Is he looking forward to Jurassic World? "Definitely," he says. "But I'm worried that it'll bring back too many horrible memories of the years I spent as an employee, like the same way ex-employees of McDonald's feel revulsion when they smell burgers."
Follow Michael on Twitter. Go on.
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