11 Things People With Nut Allergies Are Sick Of Hearing
1. “The magazine?”
Time Inc ceased publication of Nuts in 2014, so even if someone did suffer from a physiological intolerance to that magazine’s particular blend of old-school sexism, underwhelming picture captions and Top Gear screengrabs, they’d be fine now.
2. “Does that mean you can’t eat them?”
Yes. That is literally what it means.
3. “I couldn’t live without peanut butter.”
Yes you could. You’re thinking of water.
4. “So if I show you a Snickers will you die?”
If allergic reactions were triggered by sight, this would be a valid concern.
5. “Do you ever play Russian Roulette with a bag of Revels?”
This joke has been around since the beginning of time. It pre-dates Revels. In fact, Revels were only invented so that this aeons-old joke would finally make sense. And no, nobody’s playing that. Russian Roulette is a horrible game. Have you seen The Deer Hunter? Christ.
6. “Like, your own nuts?”
HA HA HA HA HA IMAGINE BEING ALLERGIC TO YOUR OWN TESTICLES HA HA HA HA HA shut your stupid mouth.
7. “Is a coconut a nut?”
No. Just like a pineapple isn’t an apple, and a monkfish isn’t really a monk.
8. “How allergic are you?”
Allergic enough to kick your arse.
9. “I read a thing that said all allergies are nonsense.”
Let’s see how well you read through two black eyes, shall we?
10. “Good thing you’re not a squirrel! Haha!”
That’s true for most people. In the wild, grey squirrels generally die before they reach six years old. Being a squirrel sucks.
11. “A little bit couldn’t hurt, right?”
No, probably not. It’d be like only eating one spike.
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