9 Reasons To Love England Even Though We're 100% Gonna Fail The World Cup
1. Great Weather
Thought our weather was drab, rainy and unexciting? Well think again, bucko. England has the most tornadoes per area per year (0.14 per 1000 km²). Exhilarating or what?
2. No Disease
Dang, those tornadoes make England seem a scary place to live, huh? England has the potential for the lowest disease burden in the world (years of life lost to death and lived with disability) which means old Blighty is actually safe as hell. Shame the English rugby team’s abysmal efforts at the World Cup are a plague on both our houses and hearts, a fetid rotten abscess that we just have to live with.
3. Bolder, Better, Bigger
Feeling smug about the health benefits of living in England are you? Well wipe that smile off your face, – and those curry stains while you’re at it – because England has the highest obesity rate in adults in Europe (24.9%), so up yours Germany (21.3%.) In fairness to the English footie team, they probably contribute towards that figure. Pity they couldn’t contribute towards anything else (i.e. national pride by not exiting at the group stages of their own World Cup.)
4. Born Party Animals
Think it’s just English adults leading inadvisable lifestyles and that our youth are shining bastions of good health, do you? Stop being wrong. It’s legal here for kids over 5 years old to drink alcohol at home or on other private premises. We’re been rearing a nation of pissed kids. If only they had inspirational role models to look up to, instead of the English football team who are, to a man, dismal failures.
5. The NHS
Thankfully, good ol’ Aneurin Bevan and the NHS are on hand to look after your sozzled toddlers. Not only that, but a workforce of around 1.7 million makes the NHS the largest employer in Europe. Meanwhile, the English rugby team are wiping £3 billion off our economy with their efforts. Thanks lads.
6. A Home From Home
Can’t imagine anything more British than London; home of the Queen and the red telephone box, can you? Now try to imagine six things more French. Impossible, because London’s population of between 300,000 - 400,000 French citizens makes it (sort of) France’s sixth biggest city. Now, while fans of the English football team can’t derive a single ounce more pleasure from the World Cup, we can be somewhat heartened that around 300,000 Londoners can enjoy their nation’s continued involvement in the tournament.
7. Equal Opportunities
Wishing you had a different passport to avoid embarrassment by association to the English rugby team, do you? Well so too do our horses, ponies and donkeys, who are all issued with a horse passport. We are clearly a nation that cares about its security. Except when it comes to securing victories. At football. And the support of Europe *cough* Brexit *cough*.
8. Stunning Views
Want to ruefully stare out across the waves at other lands still enjoying the thrill of another team when we inevitably get booted out of the World Cup, do you? Well, you're in luck, because nowhere in the UK is more than 70 miles from the sea.
9. Massive Pencils
“How long can you keep weaving this threadbare through-line?” No more, mate. The Cumberland Pencil Museum is home to the largest colouring pencil (8 metres)… in the world. Dang. What a pencil, what a country. Almost big enough to single-handedly put us on the map, although the English football team have already done that. Their exit at the group stages at the World Cup (the first nation to have ever packed their bags this early) has resulted in a collective, palpable shame visible from space.
Watch The Best Bits Of KSI: Demolished:
These Animals Are Totally You Doing Sport:
Amazing Shows, Gigs And Plays You Can't Miss In 2019
From comedy to cabaret, fill up your calendar...
The One With Russ' Turns 23 Today And It's Still Weird AF
Almost a quarter of a century later, we still don't get it.
23 Years Later, Friends' Russ VS. 'Snaro' Mystery Is Solved
THIS IS BRAND NEW INFORMATION!
25 Weird And Wonderful Things To Do This Christmas In London
'Tis the season to be (very, very) jolly...
The Comedy Lovers Christmas Gift Guide 2018
Get some LOLs in your life this Crimbo.
The Impractical Jokers Spill The Beans On Season 7 Christmas Finale
"Who knows, Santa may show up or may not, we'll see!"
New Look Just Released A Range Of Friends Christmas T-Shirts
Here's to a lousy Christmas, and a crappy new year!
2-4-1 Cinema Tickets To See Some Christmas Classics
Home Alone, The Muppet Christmas Carol, Elf, Bad Santa and more at the BFI!
Dude! Stoner Saturdays Are Coming to the BFI
Under 25? You can get in for just £3
RuPaul Hints Trixie Mattel SHOULDN'T Have Won All Stars Amid Elimination Changes
"I didn't count on the other girls who came back being so vindictive [to Shangela]!"
The First Toy Story 4 Trailer Reveals A Dangerous New Character
"Somebody get him before he pokes an eye out!"
Rick And Morty Just Had Their Most Deadly Secret Revealed
This is twisted.
Elle McPherson Sets Record Straight On Rumours She Regretted Starring In Friends
"Had I known how successful it was before going, I think I would have chickened out because it was such an iconic show."
Which WTF Advent Calendar Will You Choose This Crimbo?
Dog food, gin, and even cheese! We've got it all covered...
Here's Every Single Detail Released About The Impractical Jokers Movie
The HUGE pranks, the wrap cake, the DIRECTOR'S CHAIR? This is all too much...
Oh. My. God! Ugly Naked Guy Called For A Friends Reunion
HE TALKED ABOUT THE POKING DEVICE.
Emotional Tom Hanks Had To Turn His Back On Toy Story Creators During Final Scene
He called the final movie "a moment in history'.
Ed Helms’ Most Memorable One-Liners
“Hey Phil, Am I missing a tooth?”
Primark's New £14 Friends Pyjamas Are Just Like Rachel's Iconic Loungewear
The checks! The socks! The catchphrase!
50 Super Weird, Crazy Fun Things To Do In London
Come sniff Amy Winehouse's poo. We dare you.