14 Absolutely Savage Resignation Letters
Ever had a job that you really, really hate? Not a "man, I really hope I'm working somewhere else this time next year" kind of job - the "I wish a biblical plague upon my CEO and their family" kind of job.
Well, you're not alone; people from across the internet have had careers just like yours. But unlike you, who would perhaps send your resignation letter with just a sprinkling of passive aggression, these guys have gone full throttle; no holds barred; or another half-baked metaphor for losing their shit.
1. This beautifully iced cake
“I hereby give notice of my resignation, in order that I may devote my time and energy to my family, and to my cake business which has grown steadily over the past few years.”
2. The one who smelled adventure
"As such, I have decided to become a professional pirate. It has always been a dream of mine to live the life of a swashbuckling corsair, beholden to none and master of all I survey. Once my crew of unabashed rogues is assembled, we shall take to the capacious expanse of the high seas to pursue fortune, fame, and hair-raising adventure."
3. This unnerving pin board post
"YOU CAN STILL HIT ME UP ON THE FOLLOWING: [social media addresses]"
(Just us or that font is kind of creepy? No?)
4. The one who took passive aggression to brutal heights
“I am sorry that my step-mother died so suddenly from cancer. I am sorry that I am not a robot and was emotionally affected by her passing and had to miss work. I am sorry that I got sick and had to miss work so that I didn’t get anyone else sick. I am sorry I work 47.5 hours per week (without getting paid the overtime that I am legally owed).”
5. This perfectly-crafted error message
“The designer you treat like shit has quit unexpectedly. Your company and other employees are not affected. Click renegotiate to discuss terms for new contract. Click HR to find out how badly you fucked up.”
6. Why use paper when you can say it with napkins?
"Matt's official resignation: I resignate [sic]. Peace out bitches."
7. The time they let Reddit write it for them
"As Lord Nercomere gains power, it is my responsibility to unify our solar system under the Sword of Light. I must defend with cunning, courage and wit. I leave tomorrow for the outer rim, where I shall become reunited with the Righteous Seven, my interstellar kinsmen.
"We will not survive, but we must ensure that our galaxy lives on. If this is my last written correspondence, tell my family I love them dearly and to live on. To live proud."
8. The guy that went out singing on YouTube
"I step down from my position as a product director of a Fortune 500 company, and have decided now to follow my dream and pursue online video social media full time, and singing."
Watch the video here.
9. The ever-humble servant
"May we, in some distant future time, be reunited in that Great Office Supply Store in the Sky, and sell office supplies happily there, for all eternity to come."
10. The vicious cycle breaker
"When my money is not enough to use, I become unhappy. When I become unhappy, I will eat a lot. When I eat a lot, I will get fat. When I get fat, it will affect your company's image. When your company's image is affected, your business [is] not good. When you[r] business [is] not good, you become unhappy.
"You see, sir it's a vicious cycle. I did everything for your own good, because I care for you, sir."
11. The Groundhog Day one
"I used to think Groundhog Day was a comedy. It is now a terrifying documentary in my eyes."
12. The one who left Wetherspoon's with a haiku
One day when I am old and decrepit my forebearers will ask me serious questions about what I did in my youth. Well, its good to know that at the very least I can tell them that I quit a job utilising the power of the haiku. #jdwetherspoon #bonvoyage #resignationletter #haiku #poetry #wetherspoons #sorrynotsorry
"To the manager
"This is my resignation
"It is a Haiku
"I promised Graham
"That I would write this Haiku
"And you would not mind".
13. The guy who used a boombox pumping out 'Bohemian Rhapsody'
Watch the full video here.
14. And the one who kept it nice and succinct
"I apologize for not tendering my resignation sooner; I've been stuck under a bus. Suck it".
Perhaps your resignation letter isn't as sassy as you thought it was.
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