70 Thoughts We Had While Reading Harry Potter And The Cursed Child Part 2
So, yeah, there's a new Harry Potter book. Yesterday, we read part one, and had 75 distinct thoughts about how that all went. Now it's time to finish this thing!
Here are 70 thoughts we had while reading Harry Potter and the Cursed Child Part 2.
SPOILERS OBVIOUSLY, YOU IDIOTS.
1. Okay, so Scorpius and Albus fucked up time good and proper. Now Harry's dead, Albus never existed, and Voldemort is still, very definitely, in power. Things can only get better?
2. Oh, yeah, forgot Umbridge is headmistress of Hogwarts. I stand corrected.
3. The Death Eaters' new catchphrase is "for Voldemort and valour." I knew I was Team Mystic for a reason.
4. Did Jack Thorne call Scorpius "Scorpius" just so he could pay homage to The Rock's best film role?
5. And "oh, Potter" now seems to be a perfectly acceptable alternative to "oh, fuck". Wizards really aren't very creative are they?
6. VOLDEMORT UNIVERSE (VU) SCORPIUS LOCKED ALL THE MUDBLOODS IN THE DUNGEON.
7. WHY WOULD THE MUDBLOOD PARENTS STILL SEND THEIR KIDS TO A VOLDEMORT PRISON SCHOOL!?
8. HOW MUCH ARE THEY PAYING FOR THEIR MUDBLOOD CHILDREN TO BE LOCKED IN A FUCKING PRISON SCHOOL DUNGEON!?
9. VU Scorpius is an utter dick.
10. STOP TRYING TO MAKE "SCORPION KING" HAPPEN, CURSED CHILD. IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.
11. Scorpius is so cool now, he hates homework. Like all cool, popular kids hate homework. I wish I was as cool as VU Scorpius.
12. TBF Finland have one of the best school systems in the world and they completely did away with homework, so suck it, Potterverse. Hating homework can actually lead to higher achieving students and happier lives.
13. Also CEDRIC IS A DEATH EATER!? THIS IS UNPRECEDENTED!
14. Apparently marginalising people creates reactionary hate politics, who knew *gestures to the entire UK*.
17. Severus Snape.
18. Severus Snape is alive. And teaching potions. And surpisingly easy to convince of time travel?
19. Reading every. Single. Liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine in Alan Rickman's voice.
20. OMG RON AND HERMIONE ARE THE TWO PEOPLE LEFT IN THE UNDERGROUND RESISTANCE AND THEY *STILL* HAVEN'T FUCKED IN THIS UNIVERSE!?
21. Get it together, guys. Like just stay up all night drinking wine and talking revolutionary politics and see what happens.
22. Why would Hermione even attempt a coup with three people? I thought she was smart, not a Turkish militant.
23. MY HERMIONE / SNAPE DREAM TEAM FAN FIC IS COMING TRUEEEEE YASSSSSSSSSSS!
24. Also Snapey finding out he gets killed by Voldie like an absolute pro.
25. "How very irritating."
26. Okay, one horrific time travel mistake set right so everything should be A-okAHHHHHH FUCKING UMBRIDGE IS BACK JESUS CHRIST!
27. Did not cry at Hermione and Ron having one final first kiss before they get skull sucked by dementors nope nuh-uh no way.
28. AND NOW SNAPE'S SACRIFICING HIMSELF AGAIN!? WHY ARE YOU SO GOOD, SNAPE? WHAT DID WE DO TO DESERVE YOU!?
29. ALBUS IS BAAAAACK HISTORY IS SAAAAAVED!
30. Also why didn't they kiss then?
31. Seriously, Cursed Child is gonna spawn a billion Scorpius / Albus slash fics.
32. Okay, so the adults are onto the whole time turner shennanigans, and now they're looking for it. Why can't they just use Accio?
33. "Scorpius the Dreadless"? Just stop trying to give yourself nicknames, Scorpius. Your name's stupid enough.
34. Yes, destroy the time turner, good idea. Oh hi, Delphi. How's it going? Aren't you glad we're about to wrap this whole thing up? Wait, what do you mean there's still an hour or so to go?
35. DELPHI IS FUCKING EVIL!
36. DELPHI IS VOLDEMORT'S DAUGHTER?
38. Voldemort can fuck: CONFIRMED.
40. Well, on a lighter note, Ron wanting a marriage renewal 'cause he found out Hermione and him aren't married in other dimensions is THE QTEST!!
41. This play/book/eventual movie really loves the Triwizard Tournament, doesn't it?
42. It wasn't even that good a movie.
43. ONE LAST LOOK AT TWILIGHT BOI, THO!
44. Also s/o to Scorpius undermining the whole point of time travel with his prophecy logic battle.
45. Are these Terminator rules or Back To The Future rules?
46. Doesn't matter, we're going back into the past to kill Harry or something.
47. Love that act 2 opens with Ginny and Harry having a "no, I'm the worst parent' argument.
48. Jesus Christ, Albus. You're about to undo all of history and all you can talk about is your daddy issues THERE'LL BE PLENTY OF TIME FOR THAT LATER IN THERAPY, ALBUS.
49. "Wow. Squeak. My geekness is a-quivering" is HANDS DOWN the worst sentence ever written in the history of anything.
50. Is Scorpius' 'quivering geekness' like Morrissey's 'bulbous salutation', orrrrrrrrrr?
51. NOW HARRY'S GOT DUMBLEDORE DADDY ISSUES WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE!?
52. "I only went into this job because my Dad wanted me to" "Oh yeah?" "Yeah all I ever wanted was to be happy... Anyway, enough small talk." DO YOU PEOPLE EVEN KNOW WHAT SMALL TALK IS!?
53. Okay, so Albus and The Scorpion King have to get a message forward in time to stop Voldaughter from stopping Voldemort from killing Harry Potter parents, so he doesn't 'mostly dead' die and can become stronger, so they need to get a message to the future...
54. This has all gone VERY Interstellar.
55. "Still, if I had to choose a companion to be at the return of eternal darkness with, I'd choose you."
56. Scorpius loves Albus in a sexual manner: CONFIRMED.
57. So their grand plan is basically writing a message in lemon juice and hoping Harry thinks to hold it over a candle?
58. Harry, Ginny, Hermione, Ron and Draco going back in time to fight Voldaughter!
59. This is like the best Marvel movie, ever.
60. Also, does the time turner take the position of the Earth into account when it sends you back in time? It must do cause none of this is taking place in the cold vacuum of space.
61. But maybe it is? Think about it.
62. Nah, don't.
63. HARRY'S COSPLAYING AS VOLDEMORT AND THIS HAS ALL GONE VERY HOME ALONE I LOVE IT I LOVE IT I LOVE EVERYTHING!!
64. Delphi is Voldemort and Bellatrix's kid: CONFIRMED! I'm three for three here guys, I am great at plot guessing.
65. Why does no one ever murder the bad guys in this shit. Like they're *going* to get loose again. They're *going* to try and take over the world again. Just fucking murder them and save JK having to write yet another book that will please millions and earn her billio... Oh, I get it now.
66. No, YOU CRIED when Harry had to listen to his parents get murdered...
67. Awww everything's okay, the gang's all safe, Scorpius and Albus have decided they like "hugs". Think we're all gonna be okay now.
68. Well, what do you know, Harry Potter hates pigeons... Me too! I'm just like Harry Potter! Maybe all of us are Harry Potter?
69. What if Harry Potter was the friends we made along the way?
70. WAIT, who the fuck was the cursed child in the end anyway?
Thanks, JK. Now, get writing the sequel.
Related: 40 Magical Pieces Of Harry Potter Merch
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