Harry Potter And The Fan Fic Where A Squid Has Sex With Hogwarts

Tuesday, September 6, 2016 - 08:04

Fan fiction is one of the best things on the internet.

Imagine an entire community of writers, gifted with wild imaginations, telling amazing stories that include all your favourite pop culture characters! It's the dream right.

But what if two of your favourite Harry Potter characters finally got together?

Warner Bros.

NO! Not Ron and Harry. We're talking about the Giant Squid who lives in the lake, and Hogwarts itself... OBVS!

Yes, there's a fan fic out there where a Giant Squid and a school fall in love, because the internet is where dreams are made.

We can't post the entire story here, but we thought we'd give you just a fishy flavour of what magic awaits if you search it up... or click this link.

Harry Potter Wikia / Comedy Central

“This is incredible,” Hogwarts breathed.

“This isn’t even the best part.” He held up his two longest tentacles. “These can reach farther than a room; they can go into your hallways.”

Warner Bros.

We'll just let you imagine what happens either side of this quote, but believe us, it's a story you need to read...

Maybe J.K. Rowling could use it as research for a sexy seven-part spin-off?

Related: 15 NSFW Harry Potter Thoughts

15 NSFW Harry Potter Thoughts

Harry Potter is one of the greatest kids' book sagas ever written, but you know what happens to all kids? They grow up. Well, not Peter Pan, but this isn't that story. Here are 15 NSFW adult thoughts Reddit had about HP...

Warner Bros.

1 of 17
Did you ever know Tonks was a product of teen pregnancy? Some eagle-eyed Reddit users checked her age against her parents and TURNS OUT they were still at Hogwarts when they had her...

Warner Bros.

2 of 17
And did you ever wonder what the Weasley Twins thought about watching their brother sleep with an old dead man for however many years? YEP, Peter Pettigrew would have totally shown up on the Marauders' Map and they did FUCK ALL. The greatest prank of all?

Warner Bros.

3 of 17
Some Reddit users noted that the school portraits (and all Wizard photos) were basically sentient gifs. Sure, seems legit...

Warner Bros.

4 of 17
BUT WHAT IF THEY WERE TUMBLR-STYLE PORN GIFS!? WHAT IF THE REASON STUDENTS WEREN'T ALLOWED OUT AFTER HOURS IS BECAUSE THEY ALL GO ROUND AND HAVE GIFFY ORGIES!? WHAT THEN, J.K.!?

Warner Bros.

5 of 17
And while we're on a sexy subject, what else could Engorgio be used for we wonder? Seriously, we never saw Viagra for sale.

Warner Bros.

6 of 17
And who needs an S&M dungeon when you've got the Cruciatus Curse? We feel it's a pretty forgivable curse in that context.

Warner Bros.

7 of 17
Oh yeah, Moaning Myrtle was ONE HUNDRED PERCENT a legit perv. Hanging out in bathrooms. Telling Harry where to dip his 'egg'. There's a reason she's moaning all the time...

Warner Bros.

8 of 17
Everybody loves Dumbledore. Couldn't put a foot wrong.

Warner Bros.

9 of 17
WELL HOW ABOUT THAT TIME HE "USED AN INAPPROPRIATE CHARM ON A GOAT"!? Thanks Rita Skeeter for blowing the lid off this whole charade. Stop snivelling, Dumbles, you goat-fucking perv.

Warner Bros.

10 of 17
Also, did you ever think about how inappropriate it is for a hat to look into your mind right on the cusp of puberty? There are some seriously confusing sexy thoughts and awkward erections swilling around at that point...

Warner Bros.

11 of 17
The Room of Requirement is super useful if you want to hide a cursed textbook, or a horcrux, or train an army of underage wizards to take on the government...

Warner Bros.

12 of 17
But it'd also be a pretty swell place to host David Bowie-style sex orgies, right? Imagine the Kanye-sized bed you could will into being!

Giphy

13 of 17
The pensieve is a great way to relive old memories, or completely change your perception of previously disliked characters based on tragic childhoods and unrequited love.

Warner Bros.

14 of 17
It'd also be a great way to view VR porn...

Warner Bros.

15 of 17
But then again, how would you jack it? Do you still have control of your arms? Would you just be cranking in a corner of a memory room? Deep thoughts.

Warner Bros.

16 of 17
So, there you have it - some truly terrible thoughts by some truly terrible people about a kids' classic. YOU'RE WELCOME!

Warner Bros.

17 of 17