These Horoscopes Will Give You Purpose In Your Terrible Life
Looking for some meaning? Some purpose in your life? Well, look no further, dear reader. Straight from our resident Comedy Central psychic comes the most insightful horoscopes you will read anywhere on the internet. Don't believe us? Take a look below...
Well, Aries, you know what I'm going to say, don’t you? You just need to stop doing that thing you always do, okay? You did it last week, and it didn’t end well, and you’re probably going to do it next week as well. It’s not cool. No one finds it funny. Your friends kind of smile when you do it but maybe you need to just like, drop it? Seriously, Aries. Sort it out.
There is overwhelming, spiritual proof that you will probably find love this week. Like no pressure, but we think you are literally going to fall in love, maybe tomorrow. It could be a few days later, but also it could be tomorrow, and that’s really soon. So basically, keep your eyes peeled on the tube, in a bar, at the cinema. Because that person who you think has a great haircut and trendy garms, will probably be the love of your life. Just FYI.
This week you will eat a meal that is just so incredible, so life changing, you won’t know what’s hit you. You don’t think it’s gonna be that good and then BAM there it is. There it bloody is. The most delicious meal you’ve had in a year. Bonus points for your life if you share your meal, which will guarantee you good luck for at least two hours after the consumption of said meal.
Do you want a hug, Cancerians? It’s been tough, the ol’ birthday month. There’s been pressure from everywhere, and if Mercury is correct (which it almost certainly is), the pressure isn’t going to let up just quite yet. Here are some things you can do to chill: eat one of those corner yoghurts you ate when you were little. Go for a walk without your phone. Pop some bubble wrap.
YOU’RE GOING TO SEE A REALLY CUTE DOG THIS WEEK LEO. Also, your plants will die.
If you have a job, you’re going to get a pay rise. If you don’t have a job, you’re going to get a job. If you’re self-employed, nothing is going to change but you might spot an old flame in a bar.
You really need to pull one out of the bag this time Libra. We know your relationship is having a bit of trouble, which is why we suggest being an extremely likeable, funny and good-looking partner for the next couple of weeks, just to keep things steady. You could try a new haircut? Read up on some Žižek to impress your bae? IDK just some ideas. Best of luck tho.
You’ve just gotta stop being a dick and your life will be better. Seriously. Just don’t be a dick.
We actually have no advice for you Sagittarius. You’re doing a really good job atm. If there are gaps in your life then just count yourself lucky that you’re not a Libra.
As the moons align in Saturn, and the suns of Orion spiral out of control, your sense of purpose and direction may feel shaken. If the stars do not guide you, then let the ground be your support. Look to those who care for you for help, and cut out those who have treated you badly. Maybe buy a candle.
Hakuna Matata! What a wonderful phrase. Hakuna Matata! Ain't no passing craze. It means no worries for the rest of your days. It's our problem-free philosophy. Hakuna Matata!
We seriously suggest throwing out that tupperware of curry you’ve had at the back of your fridge. We know it’s only been a couple of weeks but just trust us because we write horoscopes so we can predict the future. Honestly, if you don’t throw it away your cat might die or you might lose your job. So just chuck it okay?
BARACK OBAMA GETS ADVICE FROM STEPHEN COLBERT:
CELEB DATING ADVICE YOU SHOULD NEVER TAKE:
Crazy Celeb Dating Advice You Should Never Take
Miramax films1 of 14
Getty Images2 of 14
3 of 14
Universal Pictures/Focus Pictures4 of 14
20th Century Fox Television5 of 14
ITV6 of 14
7 of 14
Paramount Pictures8 of 14
20th Century Fox Television9 of 14
Warner Bros. Pictures10 of 14
Getty Images11 of 14
12 of 14
13 of 14
Getty Images14 of 14
The One With Russ' Turns 23 Today And It's Still Weird AF
Almost a quarter of a century later, we still don't get it.
Elle McPherson Sets Record Straight On Rumours She Regretted Starring In Friends
"Had I known how successful it was before going, I think I would have chickened out because it was such an iconic show."
Which WTF Advent Calendar Will You Choose This Crimbo?
Dog food, gin, and even cheese! We've got it all covered...
Here's Every Single Detail Released About The Impractical Jokers Movie
The HUGE pranks, the wrap cake, the DIRECTOR'S CHAIR? This is all too much...
Horrifying Halloween Hook Up Stories
"He was dressed as an ambiguous German youth..."
This Fresh Prince X Goosebumps Theme Tune Mash Up Will Clear Your Cobwebs
The Fresh Prince Of HELL Air! It's got a ring to it...
13 Hilarious Rick & Morty Halloween Costumes To Make You Spoopa Loopa Woop Woop
So many cute Mortys...
Best Reactions To (Not) David Schwimmer's Blackpool Crime Incident
Ah, humour based on his pain...
Everything We Know About The Impractical Jokers Movie So Far
UK premiere, anyone?
8 Amazing Facts We Learned From Murr's Reddit AMA
Fame, friends, and romance, ooh la la!
Primark's £5 Christmas Decorations Will Jingle Your Bells
Saw Santa Claus. He said hello to Ross!
Friends Fans Spotted A Massive Blunder With Monica's Wedding Dress
"They're as different as night and... later that night."
The Royal Baby Should Be Named After These Friends Characters
Rick & Morty Fans Watched An Episode With A Live Orchestra And It Looked Epic
Wubba lubba dub dub!
Halloween Cartoons To Spook The Heck Out Of You
Rachel Green Almost Looked A LOT Like Saved By The Bell's Kelly Kapowski
Greens do not quit!
Impractical Jokers' Murr Is Now A Best-Selling Author, FACT
We certainly feel AWAKENED by this news...
Friends Creator Reveals Joey Wasn't The First Choice For A Friends Spin Off
He wasn't even the second...
Friends Halloween Episodes We Wish Had Happened
Could he HAVE any more needles sticking out of his face?
The Best London Theatre Shows & Events To Book In 2018
Time to get cultured, y'all...