10 New Londoners You'll Meet Before The Year Is Over
For many of us, there comes a time when we give up our dreams of having personal space, unpolluted air and reasonable rent, and make the decision to move to London.
And for a while, it feels like you're the only one trying to tackle the big smoke; the only kid from the Midlands/Wales/Up North/(insert region) to have ever arrived bright eyed and bushy tailed in the hope of earning a liveable income.
But whether they're old acquaintances or new friends, you'll soon find yourself stumbling across other newcomers doing exactly the same thing as you.
1. The Gritty Newcomer
Gritty Newcomer just moved into an ex-council flat in East Ham that hasn’t had any updates to its drainage system since ’79, but she thinks the area is way too gentrified for her.
She dreams of waking up with ants crawling out from underneath her pillow, like real, down-to-earth creative types do, but she’s had to make do with having a few damp spots underneath her kitchen sink for inspiration.
2. The YoPro
YoPro just has So. Many. Emails that she’s given herself RSI from scrolling through her Gmail at the pub this evening. She defines herself as ‘work hard, play hard’ and runs on a diet of Aperol spritzes, Michelin-starred restaurants and cocaine. Well, she wishes she did - she just hasn't tried them yet is all.
3. Shell Of A Person
Shell Of A Person was promised that London would be all about cutting-edge public transport and high-quality pop-up restaurants.
But after having four different flats’ ceilings fall in due to disrepair and settling for £990-a-month rent for a room share with ten other Canadians, Shell Of A Person isn’t what he used to be. Especially considering he’s only been in the capital for a week.
4. The Local
The Local has lived in London for two months, but has more knowledge about the big smoke than the people of Barnet and Brent put together.
Before you’ve had a chance to look up your route home on , The Local will have screamed out which connection you should make at each bus stop and the pros and cons of what footwear is most suitable for the Bakerloo line.
5. The Woman Reborn
For the past five years that you’ve known Woman Reborn, she’s mainly bought her clothes from GAP and the workwear section of Primark.
But something happened since she moved in last week, and she’s been rocking an ironic 90s shell suit and a tattoo of the Adidas logo on her inner thigh ever since.
6. The Foodie
You long for the days when The Foodie was happy with a full English from Wetherspoon's. But ever since she moved to Hackney earlier this year she’s been saying words like ‘cold brew’, ‘clean eating’, ‘Franco Manca’, ‘sour beer’ ‘sour dough’ and anything else with the word ‘sour’ in it.
7. The Tourist
You don’t know where The Tourist moved to, but you’re beginning to believe he lives in the Shard.
He’s one of the only people who's ever actually wanted to visit Madame Tussauds, and his only Facebook photos seem to be of him and his girlfriend on the London Eye. How much must council tax cost to rent a pod of the London Eye? Well, he does work in Finance, you suppose.
8. The Skint One
The Skint One was a bit worried about moving to London while earning below the living wage, but finally decided to move anyway after some persuasion.
That was two years ago. You think you glimpsed her hiding in one of the homeware baskets in Lidl a month ago, but perhaps it was just your imagination.
9. The Suspiciously Minted One
The Suspiciously Minted One says that he’s earning a similar middling wage to you, but when it came to finding shared housing, nothing seemed to cut it for him.
Now he’s moved to a one-bed flat in Old Street, hired a cleaner and started ordering breakfast from Deliveroo. Could it possibly be that The Suspiciously Minted One isn't earning what he said he was?
10. The Whiner
The Whiner always goes on about how unfriendly Londoners are and how they never talk to anyone, while simultaneously refusing talking to any of them.
London is basically perfect for them.
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