Kate Middleton may have given the press a fake due date for the incoming royal baby, it has emerged.

Given the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge can no longer rely on their phones to be hacked for the news to break, a diplomatic decision was reached to meet the tabloid press halfway, publically announcing that the Half Blood Prince will burst forth to rapturous indifference on 13 July.

However, it’s now believed that this was a stunning piece of misdirection of which even Dynamo would be proud, in an effort to distract the world’s media.

It wouldn’t be the first time. Back in 1982, Princess Diana told the press Prince William was due on 1 July of that year, but the little tyke popped out ten days earlier. Fast forward to now, and these suspicious rumblings have led bookmakers to slash the odds on Kate Middleton giving birth in the first week of July.

Meanwhile, the press are doing what they do best - cobbling together pieces based on mere speculation, hearsay and a healthy dose of cobblers. Perhaps it’s a media stunt. Perhaps the royal baby has been born already and is living the highlife in Kensington palace, surrounded by servants, corgies and the latest Xbox…

Alternatively, it’s highly feasible that Kate, fearing the destruction of our planet, had the child in secret then placed the royal baby in a rocket ship (public-funded of course) and fired off to some distant world, to be raised by a kindly farmer and his wife. There the child would discover he had incredible super powers and become a beacon of hope to all. And by ‘highly feasible’, we mean ‘not at all feasible’.

Still, it’s fun to speculate. If the little kiddie hasn’t entered into the world, what kind of birth will it be? Will it be in a paddling pool set to whale music? Is it OK for royals to scream during labour, or do they get someone else to do that for them? Paul Burrell’s not doing much these days…

Why not get stuck in yourself (not literally, you’re not qualified). Get you and your pals to set up a sweepstake on the royal baby due date. Or maybe to guess its name. Don’t know about you but we’re sticking all our cash on Methuselah.

Whatever the truth, we have our own theory about the current status of the Royal Baby. It has been born. Turns out it’s a he. And he is a moron. See for yourself…

Grandpa Charles wants to borrow the crown and ...

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