If only there was a secret, suave, sexual magnet with the knowledge, skills and inside leg measurement worthy of discovering whodunnit. Well, there is. The name's Slap, Daily Slap.
When we heard the news, we were in a remote part of the world enjoying a martini-flavoured gobstopper (shaken, not stirred) in bed with a Latvian cleaner named Tabitha Sex.
Shortly afterwards, some goons were sent to kill us. Needless to say, we dispatched said goons without breaking a sweat using a smartphone with a real-life grenade app, some parkour and a raised eyebrow.
Then, at a casino, a pretty woman, Marilyn Breasts, took a seat at our baccarat table. Needless to say, we bedded her. You can imagine our surprise when it turned out she was working for the evil mastermind.
Marilyn Breasts used her feminine charms to lure us to the evil mastermind's evil lair which was inside an abandoned volcano in Hampshire. Rather than killing us straight away, the evil mastermind presented us with every detail of his dastardly plan to rule the world using a powerpoint presentation. We fell asleep on slide 47.
The evil mastermind then made his escape but not before starting the countdown timer on the bomb strapped to the back of our chair. Needless to say, we disarmed it with one second to spare.
And then we woke up. We'd fallen asleep watching Dr No again. Anyway, the Adele track was probably leaked by a marketing genius in the Bond HQ, so media morons would write about it, unintentionally giving the film massive free coverage ahead of the movie's release in 3 weeks time. But we're not falling for that though. Oh...
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