Samsung were left wishing they didn't know the way to San Jose (it's a song from the 60s - ask your dad. Or your friend's dad if your dad ran away with a lady-friend when you were a kid. Unless your dad's lady-friend was your friend's mum, of course. That would just be uncomfortable for everyone involved. Anyway...) when the San Jose federal court told them they'd been a bit naughty and that they had to pay Apple over $1bn for patent infringement.

If you're not sure what $1bn looks like, imagine holding a dollar bill in your hand. Now imagine there's a billion of them in your hand. That's what a billion dollars looks like.

According to reports, the nine-person jury took three days to decide that Samsung had infringed six Apple patents. The Daily Slap suspects it really only took them an hour and they spent the rest of the time watching Ally McBeal. Rather than simply making Samsung say sorry to Apple and really, really mean it, the jury awarded Apple $1,049,343,540 in damages.

In the wake of this landmark ruling, The Daily Slap has done some secret squirrel undercover reporting and discovered that Samsung aren't the only ones Apple could say "Copycat, copycat, don't we recognise that app?" to in court.

We tracked down Alfredo Ribcage a retired dipstick tester from Tunbridge Wells who's been selling what we suspect to be fake iPhones from the boot of his mum's car. We then got all Watchdog on his ass and accused him of Samsungery.

"When I said it was an iPhone, I wasn't lying, you just misheard me. You didn't pick up on the way I said it. It's an Eyephone. You see the difference? And these aren't apps on the phone, they're epps. And that's not Angry Birds, it's Annoyed Birds. So I is doing nothing wrong, bruv. D'yougetme?"

Yes, Alfredo Ribcage, we get you. Your pants are on fire. The iPad we also bought from you turned out to be made from liquorice and battenberg. We were going to complain about that too but we accidentally ate it when we arrived home a bit tipsy after 2-for-1 night at youth club.

We've emailed our dossier on Alfredo Ribcage to Apple and look forward to seeing him in court. A word of warning to Apple though. We suspect you won't get $1bn in damages from him but you might get a pirate copy of Iron Man 5: Mission to Moscow. And they haven't even filmed it yet.

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