In order to rectify the situation, bankers are to stand outside branches, holding a hat, possibly with a dog on a piece of string, collecting coins, notes and preferably, gold, from passers-by. Small change will not be accepted. They have standards, after all.
There was a silver lining to their miserable cloud after posting underlying half-year profits of £4.2billion, according to The Telegraph. But even that couldn't cheer up the grief-stricken business. Bosses hope that a national whip-round will raise several million pounds which they can put directly into their accounts. Hopefully they will then be able to afford a smile or two.
The Women's Institute are to hold a cake sale, with all the profits going to destitute bankers, while a sponsored fun run will be held from Champagne Charlie's, in London, to Bubbles night club, in London, a distance of almost 200 metres.
PM David Cameron announced plans for special hostels to be opened to house bankers on the verge of skid row. Also known as "mansions" they are designed to keep out the elements and provide a barrier between bankers and poor people.
The begging bankers were first thought to be selling copies of The Big Issue, but it turned out to be just a copy of their accounts. They shan't be accompanied by any strong cider either. Even if they do have champagne there's a good chance that it will be at room temperature.
Not everyone sympathises though. "Warm champagne is just a ploy to make the public feel sorry for them," a passer-by told us. Clearly she had a heart of stone.
Copyright : Comedy Central UK