Speaking at the Conservative Party holiday camp in Birmingham today, the new Justice Secretary, Chris Grayling announced the government's proposal to change the law to ensure homeowners who use force against burglars won't be prosecuted. Don't go dishing out Chinese burns any time soon though - there's no set date for when the new legislation will come into play.
Although the new proposal gives you the right to use force against home invaders, unfortunately it doesn't account for homeowners who wish to use 'the force'. In fact, there's also a clause prohibiting you from using a Jedi mind trick. "That's like, so unfair," said an Ewok from Basingstoke. "I've just spent 14 years on the forest moon of Endor learning how to convince people that 'These aren't the droids you're looking for' and now, it seems it was all for nothing."
Speaking from his disgusting hovel on the planet Dagobah, Jedi master Yoda said, "Unjust, it is, yes. Englishman's home is castle, hmmm? Protect with the force he must. Perhaps government fears the force? Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate and hate leads to elections." As always, we've no idea what he's talking about. Something about 'castles'...?
The proposed new law is a welcome change if you ask us as, reading between the lines, the current antiquated law seems to favour the burglar. Here it is in its entirety:
"Should you happen upon a person who does not live in or hasn't been invited into your property, please do the following. Wish them 'Good day'. Offer them a cup of tea. If they don't drink tea, gin should suffice. Offer biscuits if you have them, preferably Bourbons. Offer to carry their swag bag. Ask them if they need the bathroom before they leave. As they leave, if they're struggling to carry your/their loot, ask them if they would like you to book them a taxi cab. If they refuse, offer to drive them home yourself. Wish them 'Good day'. Send them a postcard when you next go abroad."
When the new law comes into play, we hope they clearly define the parameters or scallywags could abuse it for the purposes of revenge. For example, let's say your ex-girlfriend, Linda, left you for a 24-year-old mobile phone salesman called Gary* who drives a Fiat Punto. This is purely theoretical, of course. Now, if we were to lure Gary* into our home, persuade him to take something, then claim he broke in and stole it and use reasonable force - including goo, feathers and Veet - to apprehend him for being a burglar, we could get him arrested and win Linda back. Not that we'd ever do that. Because Gary* doesn't exist, remember. Or Linda.
*Gary's name may have been changed to protect our future alibi.
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