Being suspended in the air waving union jacks would have been enough to finish most politicians, but not bullet proof Boris. Despite looking like a lynched piñata scarecrow, the Mayor of London's popularity has soared, leaving David Cameron baffled as to how to keep his job. Senior strategists suggest he may need emergency surgery to inject a personality into his charisma-vacuum of a body.
"You're going to see big changes from Dave because of this," said our source. "Somehow he's got to out-Boris Boris. Don’t be surprised if you see Dave's trousers fall down to reveal red polka-dot underpants at the next Tory conference. He can do zany too, you know. Honest."
Experts suggest the Mayor of London's main competition for leader comes not from David Cameron, but Mr Bean. The two share a number of qualities that some people like to call flaws. Boris has a capacity for calamity that only Mr Bean can rival. Plus Boris appears to have a surrealist do his hair.
Despite his appearance in the Olympic opening ceremony, Mr Bean is unlikely to overtake the Mayor's popularity. Nobody can remember Ed Milliband and PM Cameron is already looking like the future Mr Has Been.
Boris has now apologised to virtually everyone in the country for his various gaffes and many beyond it. He famously said he'd like to "add Papua New Guinea to my global itinerary of apology". Now those who he hasn't offended are hurt that they've been left out, for which he can only apologise.
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