The bid also included some mock-Tudor cladding and a lifetime supply of self-importance.
"We have an excellent roster of hilarious talent at Comedy Central," said a spokesthing. "But the opportunity to add comedians like Mario Balotelli, Joey Barton and Arsene Wenger was too good to ignore."
It is thought the departure of Didier Drogba, a player who died seven times in one match (5 burials, 2 cremations) before being revived to score a winning penalty, had affected the size of the bid.
Harry Redknapp's surprise sacking from Tottenham was partly compensated by the promotion of "Big" Sam Allardyce (how do they think up these names?). The self-proclaimed God-like genius of Big Sam hopes to bring back the good times to West Ham with a combination of BruiserBall and the humility for which he is known.
Sky and BT won the bid after Premier League officials admitted that footballers were not "intentionally funny." Liverpool fans may disagree, having paid over £50million for a strike force that revealed their famous sense of humour. It didn't buy them many goals but they did get a porn-star ponytail and a graduate of Falling Down School.
There was some relief at Comedy Towers at the failed bid however as staff realised their chances of being punched in the face by Joey Barton, then derided by his imperious tweets, had receded.
Copyright : Comedy Central UK