Scientists have discovered how cuckoos manage to get other birds to raise their young. They are masters of disguise. So much so, it's suspected that George Osbourne could actually be a small, feathered bird with a tiny brain, but with an amazing gift for camouflage. It would explain a lot.

Some say Prime Minister David Cameron's reluctance to sack the Chancellor, despite his poor performance, is down to his incredible ability as a human alarm clock. "Cuckoo! Cuckoo!" he chirps, whenever Michael Gove is speaking, stirring the Prime Minister into full consciousness.

One cuckoo has been discovered living in Rochdale, claiming benefits for 7 children, all of whom are being raised elsewhere. Frankly, it's disgraceful.

Many of the songbirds fly into the nests of reed warblers, wearing another bird's coat and a false moustache. They then try and sell the warbler home insurance it doesn't really need. Flustered and distracted by the appearance of a handsome stranger, the warbler finds herself off guard. The cuckoo nips in, lays some eggs and pinches the warbler's cornflakes.

Years later the cuckoo will return, accusing the warbler of kidnapping her children and demanding millet. If the victim doesn't comply its address will be passed to a cat named Tyson. Tyson doesn't like reed warblers. Tyson doesn't like anybody.

But, in fact, Tyson is just another of the cuckoo's cunning disguises. It's just another way for it to terrorise innocent birdlife.

You know those Nigerian internet scams? That's right. It's the cuckoos. The crash of '29? You got it.

So next time you hear a cuckoo clock, just remember you are being openly mocked by the effigy of a dangerous criminal.

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