We were going to illustrate this article with a picture of Dan but thought, everyone'll be doing that. So we've chosen a lovely pic of Kate & Wills wearing Desperate Dan hats. We're sure you'll agree we chose wisely.
Since walking bow-legged into our lives way back in 1937, Dan's enjoyed some incredible highs - 2 million readers a week in the 50s - but that's all a distant memory now as he drowns his sorrows with a cow pie. Probably.
But don't despair, Desperate Dan fans, or Double Ds as no-one calls them, we're pretty confident Dan won’t go the way of Top Cat and end up on the street. A man with his strength and inability to age still has a lot to offer. After all, this is a man whose beard is so tough he shaves with a blowtorch. Lord knows what he uses to wipe his bum.
Now that he’s got a bit of time on his hands we think Desperate should focus his talents on competing in Rio 2016. Sure, he’s from the Wild West but we’re sure Lord Coe can pull some strings with his old mate Jacques Rogge and slip Dan into Team GB. With Chris Hoy – the only man with thighs bigger than Dan’s - retiring, maybe Desperate could take his place in the Velodrome. After all, he’s used to life in the saddle.
By the way, after the highs of London 2012, The Daily Slap can't wait for Rio 2016. Poor old Rio Ferdinand's got his work cut out getting his house ready in time though. We hope he's got a pool.
Speaking from the Cartoon Character Retirement Home in Narnia, former TV favourite Batfink had some sage advice for Desperate Dan as he faces his uncertain future. Oh no he didn’t, he just wanted to insult him, “Dan must be in his 90s but he doesn't look a day over 35. It doesn’t take wings of steel to workout out why. Hello, botox?”
Next Article: Watch Robert Pattinson's First Interview Since You Know What
Copyright : Comedy Central UK