Architects of the draft Communications Data Bill claim they are protecting children, however with ministers able to read every email you write, you could find yourself at an online-arranged social gathering and see David Cameron pop up, gagging for a pint with your mates.
"It's a very awkward situation," said Jim, 38, who is currently online arranging to meet friends for a drink knowing that "Dave" could be watching. "What would we talk about? What have we got in common?"
Fortunately, "Dave" would know all about Jim and be better briefed on his bowel problems and recent affair than his so-called friends. After all, what are secrets, other than things we like to keep from others?
Picture another scenario: An elderly lady likes to take a Highland walk to get away from the stress of looking after her husband and her solvent habit. Up in the hills she runs into George Osbourne who's come to join her, braying about polo and Premium Bonds. Her one release, ruined. OK, she still has the solvents, but how long before Baroness Warsi gets in on it?
And then, of course, there's the elephant in the room. That's right. Elephant porn. Do you really want the government to know how long you spend on sites full of large-trunked mammals? Of course not.
But there are ways to protest this dangerous intrusion of your privacy. Simply write an email to one of your friends entitled 'Secret', listing your concerns. Or simply wait till "Dave" pops up on one of your dates.
Copyright : Comedy Central UK