"Look at me!" said Hague, on a visit to the spy centre at (Shhh!) Bletchley Park. "Now imagine me emerging from the ocean wearing just a pair of budgie smugglers. That must never happen."
Candidates must also be able to use the very latest in gadgets, such as a pager. They'll need to be able to control a car, boat, motorbike, helicopter and plane and not just on an Xbox. But most of all, they must not be able to die.
"They will be issued with a licence to kill, obviously, so they will need to exercise excellent judgement," said a Foreign Office insider. "You can't just garrotte your neighbour with a wristwatch wire for having The X Factor on too loud. Although…"
Celebrating 007's 50th anniversary, Sam Mendes' Skyfall is released next week, with Daniel Craig donning the tuxedo once more. Critics say it's better than Quantum Of Solace, but then so is Peppa Pig. Producers have pulled back from making a 3D Bond, worried that Craig could have someone's eye out.
Gone are the days of Bond Girls with names like Pussy Galore, Honey Ryder, Strawberry Fields and Dr Molly Warmflash. We've all grown up a bit. Skyfall has Clair.
There is a Sévérine, played by Bérénice Marlohe, which may or may not be a reference to the kinky masochist in Venus in Furs, but since when did Bond have literary references? Sean Connery would be shaken (and not stirred).
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