Saturday 7th July
Turned up on the wrong day. The men's final is tomorrow. Embarrassing.
Sunday 8th July
Turned up at Centre Court to find Boris Johnson in my seat. About to get into a heated argument when I realised my seat was R72, not D72. Easy mistake but I do wish I hadn't thrown my cheese at him now.
The match is about to begin. Should I go for a wee now or wait? I could always drink everything in my flask so I’ve got something to wee into. But what if I then fill it up and it overflows? Nah, I'll be alright. I’ll wait.
Oh lord, I really need the loo. Every time they hit the ball I can feel the urine in my bladder vibrate like that cup of water in Jurassic Park.
2.10pm Murray 1 – 0 Federer
Fantastic! Andy Murray takes first blood. The guy next to me and his wife have just left. They thought they’d bought tickets to see Al Murray.
Game and First Set Murray: Murray 6 – 4 Federer
Since I saw her delicious derriere at the Royal Wedding, I’ve had a soft spot for Pippa Middleton so I’m thinking of writing my mobile number on a piece of paper, folding it into a paper airplane and throwing it so it softly lands in her lap. I’ll let you know how I get on.
Game and Second Set Federer: Murray 6-4 5-7 Federer
It’s taken me the whole second set to find a scrap of paper to write on. I ended up borrowing a post-it note from Dr Who. It flew over the Beckhams’ heads but unfortunately hit a woman from Cleethorpes in the eye and, as a result, I’ve been forcibly ejected from Centre Court. Bit harsh. In the fourth round, Mardy Fish hit a line judge in the eye with a ball and they didn’t even give him a Chinese burn. Anyway, I’m now sat on Henman Hill with the poor people. Bit degrading.
Oh great. Now it’s started raining. I might go home.
Game and Third Set Federer: Murray 6-4 5-7 2-6 Federer
I just met a woman called Gina in the queue for strawberries and cream and, this is going to sound weird, but it was love at first sight. She has a bum like Pippa. Gina asked if I wanted to share her umbrella. I said yes please. So we’re now sharing her umbrella as we feed each other strawberries. It’s very romantic and a little bit kinky. If this were a movie it would definitely be in the erection section at HMV.
Oh man, just realised my car park ticket runs out at 5.30pm. Gina said she’d come with me and we could finish watching the match at her house. I said yes please.
At Gina’s house now. In bed. Can someone text me the result?
Editor's note: Federer won the fourth set (6-4) and the Wimbledon title for a record-equalling 7th time. Andy, you did us all proud. You've earned a big slap on the back from everyone here at The Daily Slap.
As for Herb, we didn't hear from him again so we've decided not to pay him.
Copyright : Comedy Central UK