Sources in Tehran said they thought things were going pretty well and didn't see this coming. Close friends, including Syria, were comforting the Islamic Republic, popping round with a DVD, a tub of Ben & Jerry's and supportive statements, like, "I don't know what you saw in him, he's not good enough for you, girfriend," and, "I always thought he had really big, ugly feet."
By the early hours, Iran could be seen dancing with abandon and singing "I Will Survive" loudly and not very well, much to the annoyance of neighbouring Iraq.
Iran has always felt Canada was too close to America and admits to looking through Canada's text messages to find evidence of an affair. Canada has always denied they were anything but friends and indeed referred to the US as South Canada in one disparaging text.
But what's really got Iran's goat is a suspicion that Canada has been seeing Israel on the quiet. They've never seen eye to eye and are never far from a bitch slapping whenever they're in the same room. Nothing would hurt Iran more, but Canada insists Iran is being paranoid and has warned the country not to start a campaign of stalking. "Don't be waiting outside my place of work. Do not just 'run into' me when I'm out with friends. You feel me?" said Canada in a statement.
But Iran claims it has completely had it with Canada and wouldn't take him back even if he begged. "There are plenty more fish in the sea," said Iran. "And most of them don't say 'aboot', which used to drive me insane."
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