Attempts to reset the clocks back by seven years have failed after officials uncovered a logistical nightmare involving a lot of similar-looking numbers. Instead, anything you achieved, or thought you achieved, during that time, no longer happened. While that will anger some, many of us who achieved absolutely nothing in that time will be boosted by the knowledge that they didn’t waste as much of their lives as they thought.
The Daily Slap spent much of those years sleeping on a friend’s sofa, being deeply indebted to said friend. We now owe him nothing and any misunderstanding that may or may not have occurred with his girlfriend involving a bottle of baby oil and a spoon, did not actually occur.
Gill Allington, now 41, is delighted by the 7-year erasure. “We got married in the year 2000 and my husband made a fool of me with that Tracy Chapman for 3 years. I felt so stupid that I hadn’t read the signs and was effectively funding a sordid affair under my own nose. Now, thanks to the USADA, it never happened and I feel much more cleverer.”
Prince’s iconic line “Tonight we’re gonna party like it’s 1999”, is to be changed to “Tonight we’re gonna party like it's the penultimate year of the millennium.”
Lance Armstrong won cycling’s biggest prize for seven consecutive years in what is possibly the most grueling race in the world.
“No, he didn’t," said an official. "Who’s Lance Armstrong?”
USADA have now gone back over the race records with a special pen.
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