"I don’t know if you've seen the wildebeest migrations in Africa," said one observer. "It's like that, only browner."
Thousands of Brits have been seen trampling through the countryside weighed down with jangly bracelets, whilst smoking cigars in their Speedos. At least seven Ray Winstones were seen heading to high ground, barking "Lavvvly!"
The fires are now under control after a group of Britain's Most Wanted emptied their champagne cellars on the encroaching flames. Many have not moved so quickly without a uniformed officer in pursuit in their lives.
At first the smoke was thought to have come from expats smoking the largest and most phallic cigars money could buy. But soon it became clear a fire was out of control and thousands were evacuated from their homes. Huddled into shelters, many were said to be "giving it the large one" and were considering returning to Britain, for "one last job."
The Costa del Sol has been dubbed the "Costa del Crime" due to the number of British criminals who sought refuge there, living a life of luxury in the sun, out of the jurisdiction of British police coppers. With Britain and Spain's tense relations over the status of Gibraltar, the Spanish authorities would not extradite British gangsters. The Spanish preferred to say: "Mañana," which is Spanish-speak for "Can't be bothered."
But now paradise has turned into hell, with actual hell-like flames and everything. Unlike hell though, there is a lovely marina, full of expensive yachts and no Lord Of Darkness. Ironically if The Horned One were to rock up to Puerto Banus, he would most likely be a popular figure, with his fearsome reputation for evil, platinum Amex card and "top banter".
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