"I love my Penelope with all my heart," said Jeremy, 28. "But I'd love her 7.5% more if I was allowed to transfer her tax-free allowance to reduce my tax bill," he said.
"I'd booked a table at Zizzi, arranged for the waiter to put a ring in her tiramasu and planned to get down on one knee to propose forming a mutually beneficial tax alliance with the prospect of future child benefits. But now Cameron has reneged on his campaign promise to reward me for joining a spurious institution, I've had to rethink. What's in it for me?"
Jeremy and many like him face downsizing the most romantic night of the year. "I always had a Plan B, which is why she loves me so much. Did you know you can pick up nipple tassels from Poundland for just one English pound? Win!"
David Cameron was expected to deliver the tax breaks to appease traditionalists in his party upset by gay marriage proposals. "I've no problem with the same sex Bill," said Jeremy. "In fact, if there are any tax breaks going I'm happy to join them. Penny's a lovely filly, but hardly profitable."
Government sources claimed the married couple tax breaks could still happen in 2014. "Perhaps I'll tell her, you can't hurry love," said Jez. "Thereby invoking tenderness and Phil Collins in one romantic swoop."
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