Clearly it will save the government and the individuals concerned a lot of time if they are written off at the earliest opportunity. Then they can pursue a life of crime or trying to win the lottery, safe in the knowledge that they could never have amounted to much anyway.
Other innovations will include compulsory cap and shorts for all schoolboys, instantly ridding young boys of any hint of menace by making them look ridiculous. Children will call teachers "Master" and be subject to a good caning if caught chewing gum.
"It never did me any harm," said a former teacher from his prison cell. "Other than inure me to casual violence against defenceless children."
Gove denied he is trying to take Britain back to the 1950s when everyone knew their neighbours and you could swap your coal for their milk in an endless cycle of pointless barter. He did however confirm that both pipe smoking and moustache-twiddling would become O-level subjects and TV would cease broadcasting at 11.15pm. A loud piercing would then follow telling everyone that decent people should be in bed.
Gove also denied that students not deemed clever enough to take the new O-levels would be set on a path to failure. On the contrary, he insisted. If you are first on the scrapheap you have a material advantage over those thickies who join it after you.
Copyright : Comedy Central UK