With all the complexities of the economy and healthcare, along with the decreasing attention span of the average human, moves are afoot to elect the President of the future with a live game show of Celebrity Top Trumps. To save people having to read about stuff, US voters can simply be represented by their favourite celebrities, who they often trust more than their own mothers.

"We're not a million miles away from that now," said an analyst." Clint Eastwood brings Romney the aged conservative vigilante vote, while Obama trumps him with Scarlett Johansson, who pulls in straight male voters from the ages of 13 to 110."

While Democrats' celebrity squad has plenty of glamour with George Clooney, Eva Longoria, Matt Damon and Mary J Blige, they've got to face a Republican group heavy on muscle. And hair. The Republicans boast The Rock, Kid Rock, Sammy Hagar and Meatloaf in their camp.

"What happens if Obama pulls out Johansson and Romney comes up with Chuck Norris? Does anything beat Chuck Norris? The guy's a meme. Death himself had a near-Chuck Norris experience."

Obviously if roundhouse kicks beat beauty, Obama is in trouble. Backing up Norris, as if he needed it, is Sylvester Stallone, Don King, Bruce Willis, LL Cool J and, erm, Kelsey Grammar. The hold up in turning the election into Top Trumps centres on Republican moves to have an Election Celebrity Deathmatch. TV executives are concerned that no one would watch an 8 second TV program, however.

While both candidates set out to garner as much support as possible, there's another race they're desperate to win. That's the race not to be endorsed by Tom Cruise.


The Democratic National Convention goes up ...

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