The sighting brought back terrible memories for Hilda Mammory, one of the survivors of the Milton Keynes Lion Sighting of 1984. “I remember it like it was yesterday.” she said, “I was leaving the house when a lion jumped at me. Instinct took over. That’s why I pushed my husband in front of me so it would eat him. Luckily, it wasn't a lion though. It was a Lion bar wrapper blowing in the wind.”
The Essex search began on Sunday after a local took a photo of an animal which police “could not rule out as being a lion.” Eager to join the hunt, The Daily Slap headed to Essex and almost immediately stumbled across exhibit A: a big steaming turd. Unfortunately, a leading zoologist did a taste test and it turned out to be human in origin.
With no other evidence to be found, the search has been called off and, yet again, that lion's got away with a saucy seaside break in the wild.
You see, The Daily Slap has a personal vendetta against this holidaying lion. Earlier this year, we bumped into the king of the jungle at an 80s night in a Bournemouth nightclub. Sure, he was dressed as a member of Buck’s Fizz but there was no disguising that tail. Or mane.
Anyway, when he got off with Vagenta, the Polish girl we’d spent three hours and five drinks chatting up, he crossed a line that should never be crossed. So we rang the cops and reported the sighting. Despite using big butterfly nets and beefburgers as bait to try and capture him, capture him we could not. He escaped in a taxi with Vagenta.
On our insistence, the police arranged a line-up dragging in the usual suspects, Aslan, Simba, the Lions of Longleat, etc. The Cowardly Lion was particularly annoyed, “Every time there’s a so-called lion sighting who gets dragged in but muggins here. It’s nothing short of racism. To you humans we all look alike but we’re not all man-eating kings of the jungle. I’m actually vegetarian and speak six languages but no-one’s interested in that. They just want me to roar at them and eat an antelope.”
Anyway, the lion lothario escaped that night and he's got off again scott free this bank holiday weekend. He's probably currently shacked up with someone's wife and daughter in a Clacton b&b. We'll get you next time though Mr Lion. Oh yes, we’ll get you next time.
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