The Government has pledged to keep its promise to 'back marriage' with tax breaks that could be worth up to £150 a year. Minister Without Portfolio, Point Or Own Desk, Ken Clarke, cast doubt on the policy earlier this week, but a Conservative spokeswoman spoke, using words that confirmed previous words.

The news was met with delight by prospective husbands and wives. "£150 a year! That has made my girlfriend a lot prettier," said Simon Louche-Underbelly. "I may spend £10,000 on a wedding now."

It has long been Conservative policy to support the institution of marriage to better underpin the UK family. The tax cut could relieve pressure on household budgets strained by rising fuel bills, pay freezes and years of high inflation. It will only help married couples of course, but if single people don't like it, they can jolly well find someone to engage in a quasi-religious bond based on exclusive sexual access.

The recently married Mrs Bullingdon told us: "There's nothing more romantic than a man going down on one knee, as my Jeremy did, and asking for your hand in marriage. I did shed a tear of joy when he said: 'Think of the 2015 tax advantages, poppet.'"

Mr Clarke was unable to confirm a Government commitment to tax relief for people with white picket fences, but credits will be able from next year for people with manicured lawns. Those with outstanding topiary will get a rebate from 2014.

Next Article: Did Stanley Kubrick Fake The Moon Landings?

Copyright : Comedy Central UK