As the first full day of events got under way yesterday, the elephant in the room at some Olympic venues, including the Aquatic Centre, was the rows of empty seats. In fact, an elephant would have been quite handy to fill the empty seats.
So whose bums are missing? Just a few weeks ago people seemed prepared to sell their firstborn in exchange for a ticket to the tiddlywinks final, so where are they now? We demand an inquiry. That's why we contacted Lord Leveson - he's good at inquiries. But sadly, he didn't reply. Maybe he doesn't check LordLeveson@hotmail.com that often.
A spokesman for Locog insisted that "Many of our venues were packed to the rafters" but the majority of the empty seats belonged to governing bodies and the media. Are you thinking what we're thinking? Governing bodies + Media + the morning after the opening ceremony = Hangover central.
There is another theory though. We think Danny Boyle's fantastic Opening ceremony has set the bar too high. Punters turning up hoping to have Sir Kenneth Branagh show them to their seats are leaving sorely disappointed.
To test this theory, The Daily Slap rugby tackled the Earlobe family from Chiswick as they sneaked out mid-way through the swimming yesterday. "We're leaving," said Fiona Earlobe, 41, "The kids keep asking when Mr Bean is going to doggy paddle the wrong way up Michael Phelps' lane." "It's a disgrace," added Kevin Earlobe, 43, "we paid a tout good money for these tickets. At the very least we expected the Queen to divebomb into the pool."
So there you have it. Proof that the only way to keep the Olympic crowds happy is to let Danny Boyle direct every single minute. Or at the very least get Sir Tim Berners-Lee to handle the online booking.
But maybe, just maybe, the empty seats belong to people who've finally come to the realisation that you're much better off watching the Olympics on TV in the comfort of your own home. Not only do you get close-ups and instant slow-mo replays, but the drinks are free and there's no queue for the toilet. And you can sit there in your pants.
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