Well, we say 'we' but we didn't see a penny of it. Did you? The only thing we borrowed was our neighbour's Black & Decker workbench and there's no way he's getting that back 'til he stops his cat, Jambon, “marking his territory” in our garden. But what does this £3bn balls-up mean for you? Yes, you.
According to the Independent, 'public sector net debt now stands at above £1 trillion, compared to £940 billion a year ago, and represents 65.7 per cent of the UK's GDP, up from 61.8 per cent last year.' To be honest, we've no idea what that means. It might as well have said: 'magnificent shadows are peeling from the rainbow but only if kings and queens sip Um Bongo from thermos flasks during every Big Brother eviction.'
What we do know though, is this doesn't sound like good news. Unless you're the person who lent the UK the £3bn, that is. The daily interest alone is probably enough to buy Rangers. It was probably an oil baron (whatever that is), Scrooge McDuck or that teenager who built Facebook.
As a result of this news, Business Week was quick to report that the pound fell against the euro. Wouldn't it be funny if at the London stock exchange, each currency had a football style mascot whose job was to act out what's happening on the market floor? It would certainly lighten the mood if as 'the pound fell against the euro', the pound mascot, Winston, did a comedy trip whilst carrying a blancmange and landed on, Pierre, the euro mascot's face.
So who's to blame for this monopoly-money-sized mess? Well, the (poor) finger is being firmly pointed at 'public sector finances which suffered from a 20 per cent fall in corporation tax receipts from business.' Again, that means absolutely nothing to us. That's why we asked synchronised swimmer Atticus Brain to help us get to the bottom of this £3bn riddle.
"Imagine you’re one of those people who eats their Twix in stages – first nibbling the chocolate and toffee, then starting again with the biscuit base. Well, someone’s already eaten the chocolate and toffee. Someone else has nicked the biscuit base. And now, someone’s nicked the wrapper too, so you can’t even lick the tasty Twix DNA. That’s the UK debt deficit, that is."
Miss Brain then put on one of those little nose clamps, dived into the water and performed a six-minute routine to the classic Charles and Eddie track Would I Lie To You?. No word of a lie, it brought a tear to our eye. We've no idea what she was talking about though.
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