The Daily Slap hated science at school. Apart from learning how to put a condom on a banana, there’s not much else we remember to be honest. Well, apart from the day we dissected that frog and Lucas McRib fainted. Hilarious. Double science was just so boring and the girls at the neighbouring school on a free period were just so tempting. You do the math. And yet, in comparison the world of science today seems such fun. Take, for example, the scientists at the University of Newcastle who’ve just announced the findings of their latest research: to discover the world’s worst noise.

After popping their human guinea pigs into an MRI scanner, the scientists played them 74 horrible sounds. We like to think they called it Now That’s What I Call Horrible Sounds, Volume 1. They then analysed the brain’s natural response to each dreadful din. So, what’s the worst noise in the world? We’ll come on to that. But first, here’s a quick rundown of The Daily Slap’s least favourite noises. In the world.

Nail clippers being used behind you on public transport. Clipped nails have a mind of their own. Who knows in which direction they’ll fly once they’re been freed from their phalange prison? We know where. In your hair. And you might walk around all day with someone else’s filth-ridden DNA in your barnet without knowing it. That’s why we hate the sound of nail clippers.

Foxes. Specifically at night when you’re tucked up in bed. Have you heard them? It sounds like people are being hurt right outside your window. Actually, it sounds like you’ve suddenly taken up residence in the seventh circle of hell. Not exactly background noise conducive to getting jiggy.

The sound of the last piece of toilet paper being pulled from the toilet roll in a public toilet. You hear that noise and you know you face an unanswerable quandary: walk away unwiped or use a substitute cleaning matter (SCM)? Personally, we always opt for the SCM. Recent examples include a twenty pound note, an unfiltered cigarette and a toupee.

The noise of overhearing the football results when you’ve purposely been ignoring them so you can watch Match of the Day as if it's live. The worst example of this is when you tune in too early and hear the newsreader announcing the results at the end of the news before MOTD starts. Why do they do that?

But our least favourite noise is the noise of your phone not ringing when you're waiting to hear from someone (Editor’s note: or vibrating – it’s the 21st century, Grandad). And then, suddenly it does ring but it's not the object of your affections, but a call centre offering you cheaper electricity.

We’ve left you in suspenders for far too long though. You want to know which track from Now That’s What I Call Horrible Sounds, Volume 1 made the most people cringe? Well, it was the sound of the sharp side of a knife on a bottle. You’ll be pleased to know Now That’s What I Call Horrible Sounds, Volume 1 isn’t available for download from iTunes and all good music shops. The fox, meanwhile, will undoubtedly be outside our window tonight.

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