11 Kids TV Characters Caught Up In Genuine Sex Scandals

Wednesday, January 4, 2017 - 17:14

If you want your childhood memories to remain innocent and unscathed, best turn away now.

We're about to go ~there~ with a ton of your favourite TV characters, exploring all the wild sex scandals they've genuinely been caught up in over the years.

Postman Pat is the ONLY red head in Greendale.

This is the village school.#PatMustard #HairyBabies pic.twitter.com/UbY19HHztp

— Dinneen Dictionary(@AnDuinnineach) December 31, 2016

From Bert and Ernie being accused of promoting homosexuality (so fucking what?!) to Bob The Builder sreaming "FUCKING HELL!" in his 1999 Christmas special, you won't believe the trouble they've caused.

Sparked by a(n actually really plausible) fan theory about Postman Pat and a host of illegitimate children, we deep-dived into the seedy underworld of children's TV...

Kids TV Characters Embroiled In Preposterous Scandals

Twitter users have made some VERY astute observations about Postman Pat and the (many, many) children in his village who share his likeness. That got us thinking - have other kids' TV characters been embroiled in sex scandals? Yep, loads, it turns out...

AnDuinneach via Twitter

1 of 13
Sesame Street creators were forced to state Bert and Ernie's sexuality after complaints they appear gay: "Though they're identified as male characters and possess human traits and characteristics, they remain puppets and don't have a sexual orientation."

2 of 13
Two conservative Christian organisations accused the cartoon SpongeBob SquarePants, an underwater sea sponge with two buckteeth, of conspiring to promote homosexuality to children. Why? He holds hands with Mermaid Man *AND* Barnacle Boy. For SHAME.

3 of 13
Remember the Pokémon episode where Ash and his crew steal and crash an old man's boat at the seaside? And James flashes his ginormous boobs at Misty? 'Course you don't, it was banned. But it happened, people. It happened.

4 of 13
If you want to preserve a childhood replete with happy memories of Slyvanian Families, do not check out this parody twitter account by Forest Fr1ends. Don't say we didn't warn you.

Forest_fr1ends via Twitter

5 of 13
Almost as scandalous as the fact Bob The Builder reached No.1 in the UK music charts was the moment he appeared to yell 'FUCKING HELL!' in his 1999 Christmas special. Creators claim he said: “I don’t know I thought this was going to be easy". Yep, OK.

6 of 13
Like all celebs these days, after a few years in the spotlight Dora The Explorer shrunk in size thanks to a sassy new makeover no one asked for. Parents railed against her taller, thinner, pretty and faintly more sexual persona - and we can kinda see why.

7 of 13
Dreadlocked Rastamouse provoked more than a hundred complaints to the BBC when parents expressed fears the show was racist, and encouraged the use of slang. He was in fact using his native Afro-Caribbean Patois.

8 of 13
'Arthur' spinoff 'Postcards From Baxter' saw the bunny visit Vermont, where gay marriage is legal. He met several children who had lesbian parents, so PBS was forced to cancel the episode after a stern letter from the Education Secretary. WTF?!

9 of 13
The Reverend Jerry Falwell, a spokesman for America's Moral Majority, denounced Teletubbies because Tinkie Winky was gay. He said he wasn't a good role model for children and the show should be taken off air. We'd like to hit him with Tinkie's handbag.

10 of 13
Spongebob got in serious trouble after a collaboration with Burger King. All looks pretty innocent, right?

MaggieL911 viaYouTube

11 of 13
Sure, 'til the King cracked out a measuring tape to check how square several sexy dancers' pants were, to the tune of Sir Mixalot 'I like square butts and I cannot lie'. He even turns up to deliver the immortal line, 'Booty is booty'. Oh boy.

MaggieL911 viaYouTube

12 of 13
See, these people aren't wrong. Gay Teletubbies, sweary Bob The Builder and busty Pokemon characters, we're fine with. But Postman Pat as a dirty dirty dog who did the bad thing?! We're not sure we can take it...

13 of 13

37 CRAZES ALL 90S KIDS WILL REMEMBER:

37 Crazes All 90s Kids Will Remember

You're a 90s kid. We're a 90s kid. Hell, studies show that 90% of internet users are 90s kids! But us 90s kids have lived through a hell of a lot. Crazes, mostly. Here are 37 of our faves. First up, Tech Decks, for uncoordinated Tony Hawk fans...

Wikipedia

1 of 37
And who could forget Crazy Bones!?

Wikipedia

2 of 37
Snap bands only existed to legitimise slapping your friends in the playgroud and not getting a detention, let's be honest people.

Sporcle

3 of 37
Your parents said you could only get a dog if you managed to keep your Tamagotchi alive for a week, which was harder than keeping a baby alive until adulthood, tbh.

Wikipedia

4 of 37
Remember how everyone wanted their shoes to light up as they walked, therefore rendering them completely unable to hide in a Home Alone-style burglary situation?

LA Gear

5 of 37
Or when we wanted to pump up our shoes for literally no reason whatsoever?

Mental Floss

6 of 37
Tattoo choker necklaces, because we all saw The Craft and all wanted to be witches.

Amazon

7 of 37
Congrats to whatever soulless marketing suit decided they were gonna make flying lumps of plastic cost a tenner by making them see-through and adding a dynamo.

Compare Product Wiki

8 of 37
Oh yeah, remember that time people bought colourful discs to do something that was never specified? POGS!

First We Feast

9 of 37
Should have instituted a complex fight mechanic, like Pokémon cards!

WikiHow

10 of 37
Were these ever proven to contain any form of fruit? Who knows.

Chocolate Buttons

11 of 37
If you were deemed to be a 'girl', someone would force a Polly Pocket into your hand.

Pinterest

12 of 37
And 'boys' would be left with these terrible approximations of excitement and intrigue, known as Mighty Max.

Wikipedia

13 of 37
Beanie Babies were going to be our retirement fund...

Pinterest

14 of 37
And remember the FunFax that promised to turn you into James Bond?

Wikipedia

15 of 37
Jelly Shoes meant you kept your cool even in summer.

jbeans

16 of 37
And these stupid big head football toys were frustratingly popular.

cardzreview

17 of 37
Now used almost exclusively by Magic Mike tribute acts, Adidas Poppers were fucking everywhere despite being incredibly age-inappropriate.

Pinterest

18 of 37
Richie Rich is to blame for a lot of things, but none so heinous as the prevalence of Hubba Bubba, AKA the WORST gum.

Wikipedia

19 of 37
What even were the point of these? They fucked up your carpets and got you grounded almost instantly. Thanks, Alien Baby pods.

Wikipedia

20 of 37
One person in every class had a MiniDisc player and would insist it was the future of music. One person in every classroom was a complete and utter cunt. Do the maths.

Wikipedia

21 of 37
Nowadays being classy is about getting the second least-expensive Vodka. In the old days, it was about having a Parker pen.

Wikipedia

22 of 37
Another insanely gendered product, the Baby G / G Shock, because all girls are babies, don't cha know!

Flickr

23 of 37
But quickly it was all about how many people your awkward, Bacardi Breezer strawpedoing 12-year-old self was banging.

aliexpress

24 of 37
And your disgusting flip phone to call your high street honeys on.

Wikipedia

25 of 37
MySpace and Emo go hand-in-hand like Chiquitos and diarrhoea.

Wikipedia

26 of 37
And thank fuck we made it through indie. Well, aside from everyone who developed deep vein thrombosis from squeezing themselves into skinnies.

Wikipedia

27 of 37
Remember when Chavs were a thing? Now we're all homogenous fuckholes, so that's progress.

Wikipedia

28 of 37
And who could forget that one kid in the back of your Home Economics lesson who thought it was the funniest thing to do Crazy Frog impressions after the timer pinged. Jesus we hope he's dead.

Crazy Frog

29 of 37
Remember 'compassionate conservatism?' Nah, you probably only remember years of crushing austerity and Brexit. Thanks, fuckers.

Wikipedia

30 of 37
Glow sticks and neon. Thank fuck Nu Rave died on its arse.

Raves Wear

31 of 37
And caring about shit. Glad that's over now that we realised that everyone who wants to save the world is a terrible, lying bastard.

Wikipedia

32 of 37
Remember when people bought TV on physical media? NOPE.

YouTube

33 of 37
TBF autotune isn't quite dead, it's just more subtle. At least the obvious examples are dead and buried (sorry, T Pain).

Wikipedia

34 of 37
Banter is dead. Thank fuck for that.

UKTV

35 of 37
Uni = Three. Fucking. Years. Of. Gap. Yah. Impressions.

YouTube

36 of 37
All great things must come to an end. RIP, Pokémon Go (July-August 2016).

Nintendo

37 of 37