17 Songs That Were Wildly Inappropriate For Your 90s School Disco
Who the fuck decided school discos were a good idea?
Between the crushing awkwardness of having to ask (and, subsequently, be rejected by) Sally in 6F for a date, and enduring two to three hours of pre-watershed dancing without any drugs, legal or otherwise, whatsoever (unless you count original Sunny D), it's anyone's guess how they were even a thing.
But did you ever realise that school discos were also craven bogs of filth? Course you didn't. But don't worry, because we're here to ruin your childhood, one song at a time.
Here are 17 school disco classics that were filthy as the fucking they were about...
Sisqo - Thong Song
"I like it when the beat goes da na da na
Baby make your booty go da na da na
Girl, I know you wanna show da na da na
That thong thong thong thong thong"
Get Alicia in Class 5B to shake her booty, go on.
Cornershop - Brimful Of Asha
"Everybody needs a bosom for a pillow, everybody needs a bosom"
What 9-year-old doesn't love falling asleep on a pair of tits?
Santana Feat. Rob Thomas - Smooth
"And it's just like the ocean under the moon
Well, that's the same as the emotion that I get from you
You got the kind of loving that can be so smooth, yeah."
Basically, he likes the girl cause she gets wet af.
T-Spoon - Sex On The Beach
"I wanna have sex on the beach, come on everybody"
Nothing says 'the innocence of youth' like a seaside orgy.
Shaggy - Boombastic
"With my sexual physique Jah know me well built"
Penis. He's talking about his erect penis.
Right Said Fred - I'm Too Sexy
"I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurts"
He has been so erect for so long that his penis is now in considerable pain.
Bloodhound Gang - The Bad Touch
"Love the kind you clean up with a mop and bucket
Like the lost catacombs of Egypt only God knows where we stuck it"
Jesus Christ how was this even allowed on the radio?
Spice Girls - Wannabe
"Slam your body down and wind it all around
Slam your body down and wind it all around"
Fucking. Nothing but fucking.
Mousse T Feat. Hot 'N' Juicy - Horny '98
Horny, horny, horny
I'm horny, horny, horny
Horny, horny, horny
I'm horny, horny, horny tonight"
Need I say more?
Britney Spears - Baby One More Time
"Show me how you want it to be
Tell me, baby,
'Cause I need to know now, oh, because..."
See, the song itself is fine and vanilla, but when you pair it with the music video where she's dressed as a fantasy school girl, singing about how she'd do anything for her man, it all gets a bit... icky from a gender dynamics standpoint. Also your da 100% had a wank over this at some point.
Craig David - Fill Me In
"Why were you creeping around late last night?
Why did I see two shadows moving in your bedroom light?"
Tell you what, they weren't playing Dream Phone...
Shaggy Feat. RikRok - It Wasn't Me
"She saw the marks on my shoulder (It wasn't me)
Heard the words that I told her (It wasn't me)
Heard the scream get louder (It wasn't me)
She stayed until it was over"
Redman's girlfriend = the original female cuck.
R. Kelly - Bump N' Grind
"I don't see nothing wrong with a little bump and grind"
Cocaine and weed or slamming and banging? Either way it's no good for kids.
Christina Aguilera - Genie In A Bottle
"You gotta rub me the right way..."
Seeing as sex ed was pretty vanilla back in the day, you could say Xtina was doing a vital public service by stressing the importance of manual clit stimulation, but then again, mebbe not?
Another Level - Freak Me
"Let me lick you up and down till you say stop"
Cunnilingus. You know, for kids!
MN8 - I've Got A Little Something For You
"I got a little somethin' for ya
And I'll give you just three guesses to figure out
Just what it is"
Shoutout to mah boy utilising the Everybody Wants Some!! approach of discussing their package. It really helps to lower your partner's expectations beforehand...
Spice Girls - 2 Become 1
"Come a little bit closer baby, get it on, get it on
'Cause tonight is the night when two become one"
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