8 Sex Myths Every 90s Kid Heard At Secondary School
You know the stories. The sexual tales that happened to the brother of a friend of a friend who knew someone’s cousin. The school playground was rife with some of the most bizarre. Some were gross. Some were sad. Some were just WTF implausible.
Like your best mate’s girlfriend who goes to another school you probably haven’t heard about, most of these stories probably never happened. For the most part, they were spread by a bunch of uneducated kid idiots who wanted to pretend they knew a lot about sex. A lot of these stories have a weird moral to try and scare us into remaining chaste by punishing people for enjoying sex, so remember to stay woke while reading.
If anything, all these stories prove is the UK really, REALLY needs to improve sex education in school.
WARNING: The details of each story may vary, such is how sexual folklore works. But here’s the general gist of some of the worst sexual urban myths we heard at school.
The Dog & The White Leather Sofa
A Girl’s parents go out of town for the weekend. For some reason, rather than provide a community service by having a house party, The Girl decides to invite her boyfriend round for a pre-streaming session of “Netflix & Chill”.
The heat of the moment gets the best of the pair and the couple end up having anal sex on The Girl’s parents' *brand new* white leather sofa. Only, something happens to cause the sofa to get… well... dirrrrty.
Try as they might, there's nothing the teen couple can do to salvage the sofa, and when The Girl’s parents return from their weekend away, they decide to blame the family dog... which gets put down (the parents taking this new incontinence as proof that the dog is way past its prime).
The story got lightly remixed for an episode of “The Inbetweeners” when Jay’s dog got put down after he blamed it for causing a mess he made.
For all our sakes, we really hope this one is fake.
The Starburst Story
A boy and a girl are having sex, and in an effort to spice things up, The Girl puts some sweets down there for him to... eat while he's eating. Maybe you heard M&Ms. Sometimes it's Skittles. But we heard it was Starburst.
The Boy subsequently wakes up the morning after with a mouth covered in coldsores. Furious, he asks The Girl just what was going on.
The story goes that The Girl placed three sweets down there, but The Boy ate four. So where did the extra sweet come from? Well apparently, the extra sweet happened to be a rather large genital wart.
Again. Totally fake. Also, how could you confuse such a hard, fleshy pus-ball that would 10/10 burst in your mouth for a delicious Cherry Kiwi Tropical?
The Boy Who Had Sex With His House
This one was popular in single sex schools.
So the tale goes, there was a kid in the year above (which probably meant he couldn’t confirm for deny things) who had sex with ~something~ in his house. Maybe he slid in between the toilet seat and had a crack there. Maybe he hollowed out a watermelon to get himself off. Maybe he used cling film underneath the bottom sofa cushion and had at it.
That latter story did happen in 2012, as one gentleman from Wisconsin was collared for an act of public indecency when he was caught in a compromising position with an abandoned sofa.
The Fresh Cuppa
A young boy, excited to find out he has the house alone to himself, decides to treat himself to a session with Palmela and the Quintuplets. Only, his sexual exploration was so mind-blowingly amazing, he immediately passes out when he’s... finished.
When the boy wakes, he finds himself all cleaned up, boy tool packed away and a fresh cup of tea on his bedside table. It seems as if his mother found him, and not wanting to cause a fuss, cleaned up.
Too Close To Home In Habbo Hotel
Remember Habbo Hotel? The social media site before social media sites were a thing was home to many an urban legend. But the one we remember most was the Boy and Girl who met each other, got on like a house on fire, started cybering (wanna cyber > sexting) and then eventually agreed to meet up….
Only to find out they were brother and sister.
This one also appears to be a modern day retelling of the old “oh no! They’re related” sexual story. See also: The kid who when to the chemist to buy a packet of condoms for a date, only to pick up the girl and find our their dad was the chemist they bought condoms from.
Coca Cola Can Stop You From Getting Pregnant
“Well, it rots your teeth so killing sperm should be easy!”.
Throughout the years, Coca Cola has been the butt of a thousand urban legends. It used to contain cocaine (partly true, trace amounts), New Coke was a clever marketing ploy to drive sales (untrue, they just screwed the pooch), washing yourself with Coca Cola can stop you from getting pregnant.
Spinning out from the (false) claim that a tooth left in Coca Cola will rot overnight, someone got the idea that a liberal splashing off the drink on your nether regions after a bit of sex can stop you from getting pregnant.
Snopes tells us it came from an old newspaper story from 1985. We just hope no one’s opting for it instead of proper birth control. Which brings us to…
A Sweet Packet Can Be Used As An Emergency Condom
Crisp packets. Chocolate bar wrappers. The general gist of it was “wrap your tool in something silver and foil like, and it would work as a condom”. No. Absolutely not. If you are in need of an emergency condom… get another condom.
While we are here *sits on chair backwards to seem cool and relatable* oil-based products, like baby oil, cooking oil and hand lotion or petroleum jelly cause latex to weaken and break, so don’t use them as lubricant when using a condom. Now you know.
And knowing is half the battle.
The Superglue Story
So the story goes, a woman catches her boyfriend cheating. Rather than getting angry and breaking up with the man, she slowly bides her time, until one day, when her boyfriend is fast asleep, she superglues his dick to his leg.
This one is a little weird, because it started off as completely fake, (in fact we can trace it all the way back to the 1980s), however the punchline got so “good” that eventually happened IRL.
Way back in May 2000, one Ms. Gail O’ Toole was ordered to pay $40,000 to her ex-boyfriend after she superglued his penis to his stomach.
Not only did she do that, but she also glued his butt cheeks together, wrote over his body in nail polish and made me walk a mile to the local petrol station for help.
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