11 Signs Your Flatmate Is Trying To Kill You
1 Eating all your leftovers in the fridge
First they’ll take a bite of your cold pizza, then eat all your leftover shepherd’s pie, then your tins will start to disappear from the cupboards too. They’re definitely trying to starve you.
2 Tipp-Exing out the expiry date on your food
“Does this milk seem lumpy and fluorescent green to you?”
3 Suggesting the microwave as a useful place to store forks
Because the microwave is a great place to store cutlery and it definitely won’t give you life-threatening radiation/create an explosion in your kitchen.
4 Getting you really drunk and challenging you to do stupid stuff
Constantly finding yourself completely wasted with your flatmate, sometimes even waking up in hospital, while they remain completely fine? Yep, they’re trying to kill you.
5 Encouraging you to jab a knife in the toaster when it gets stuck
“It’ll be fine, you won’t feel anything… well, maybe just a tickle… I promise!” ;)
6 Before you get into the bath, they store lots of electrical items next to it
Who uses a toaster in a bathroom? If you see this, this is absolutely evidence of your flatmate plotting your murder.
7 Buying loads of cats after they find out you’re allergic to them
FYI: if a flatmate asks for a list of all your allergies, fears and general weaknesses in life, this is not normal.
8 Stealing your milk and replacing it with drain cleaner
Even if you’ve just made the switch from milk with the blue top to the red top, if something smells and tastes like a highly toxic drain cleaner, then it is probably a highly toxic drain cleaner.
9 Replacing your shampoo with hydrochloric acid
“Hmm this Head and Shoulders feels a bit tangy… wait has a clump of my hair just fallen out? Now I can’t see… MY EYES!!”
10 They keep having their mobster friends over for dinner, and go silent every time you walk in the room
If you also notice a dart board with a picture of your face on it, they're definitely trying to take you down.
11 There's an anvil balanced on top of your door
A clear sign that someone wants rid of you, if ever there was one.
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