11 Small Town Problems
1. Everyone knows everyone
You get in the habit of waving at every car that passes, which can lead to some rather angry cab drivers. Being a criminal isn't easy either as witnesses are likely have taught you in school, served you at your local or are vaguely related to you. There's also no chance of a local blind date.
2. Choice of food is limited
You will never know the sweet taste of Nando's, and as the variety of local restaurant is highly restricted, it's best if you choose to not be vegetarian or have allergies. You'll get nowhere being fussy over a peanut.
3. Limited social adventures
Anything you go to is likely to be held in a local pool hall or a bleak cafe that happens to have a juke box. It will almost certainly end in the only pub, trying to shy away from teachers or relatives for the rest of the night.
4. Agricultural traffic
The speed limit might be 40mph but traffic will never go faster than 20, due to that one arsehole in a combine harvester who actively chooses small roads and country lanes, laughing as his six-gear engine sits in third crawling down the road.
5. Technology is prehistoric
The mobile signal is crap as O2 don’t actually know your town exists. Trees are abundant though, and they produce oxygen during photosynthesis which is pretty neat.
6. Your sexual history is shared knowledge
Talk travels fast and gossip is the most popular local pastime, meaning that news of drunken one night stands travels faster than you can run home.
7. Local news is boring
The most exciting part of the local paper is their coupon giveaway.
8. You have to explain to everyone where you live
You take on the role of a sat-nav, having to justify the existence of your house and prove you're not a pathological liar.
9. You have to support a shite football team
If you don’t live in a big city, it's reasonable likely your local team are rubbish. That's just how things have worked out.
10. Incest Russian roulette
Playing a game of mental Guess Who before making a move is a way too regular occurrence. Small populated towns lead to loads of unknown family links. Pro tip – family heritage sites aren’t just for the pompous bourgeoisie.
Community or cult, whatever you choose to call it, is normally valued so highly that being a social hermit is just not allowed. Rank within the community is always judged on a complex combination of factors including baking ability, and judging other people based on the quality of their Victoria sponges is highly encouraged.
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