11 Ways To Blag Yourself A Great Summer
1. Pack your job in
Hand your notice in at your job, then immediately make a big deal of writing down loads of secrets about the workplace. They'll stop you coming in out of fear you're working for a rival, and you'll get to spend your notice period banned from the office, getting paid to do nothing at all. Then meet up with your boss at the end of the summer, be effortlessly charming and get your old job back. This will almost definitely completely work (this is not legally binding).
2. Break a limb
It’s called summer break for a reason – now you have a legitimate reason to not work and relax all day on a recliner.
3. Become a holiday rep
You have to become the worst person in the world, but you pretty much get paid to show people where to get pissed and then join in. It's like a holiday that you get paid for in cash, drink and sexually transmitted infections.
4. Buy ice-cream in bulk in December
It’s already frozen plus it’s not in demand therefore it’s bound to be cheaper, probably. This is capitalism, money equals happiness.
5. Coax younger family members into running a lemonade stand
You get a constant supply of home-made free lemonade and a skim of the profits, and they get a life lesson about work and responsibility.
6. Build a slip-and-slide and advertise it as a local waterpark
1. Everyone loves slip-and-slides, so there'll be no disappointment.
2. You can cash in on their good time with a well-placed lemonade stand (see above).
3. You will own a slip-and-slide and be Earth's happiest human.
7. Work at a festival
Get inside, throw your overalls in the bin and get to partying. Crush those guilty feelings by dancing really hard for ages.
8. Ditch your clothes
You know where's never crowded? The nude beach. While people on the regular beach are struggling for space and fighting over the last deckchair, you're getting an all-over tan with all the room you need.
9. The Stag Blag
Walk in to a pub with penises drawn on your face, wearing a t-shirt that says “#STAG”, and claim that your stag do got so out of hand that you're stranded 600 miles away from home. Hearing your tale of woe, locals will embrace you as a “total legend” and buy all your drinks for you.
10. Tell people you know Dave
Want to eat a stranger's food? Just roll up, claiming to be a friend of Dave's (every barbecue has at least one person called Dave invited to it). You'll be at least five chicken legs up by the time anyone dares confront you about your lies.
11. Free swimming pool access
If you are clearly over the age of 25 you can pretty much swim anywhere for free at least once. Just walk in to the local leisure centre and claim you are there to pick up your child from their swimming lesson. No heartless bastard would deny a parent access to their child, and once you're past the front desk you're free to swim to your heart's content. When you leave an hour later smelling of chlorine and guilt, they might catch on, but you've had ever such a nice swim.
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