13 Of The Biggest Lies You've Been Told Your Whole Life
1. Everybody loves Raymond
Not all the time, and certainly not everybody.
2. Your academic achievements matter
Unless you're a surgeon, a rocket scientist or an actual academic/teacher, experience will always mean a lot more than how much stuff you were able remember about Hitler within a two hour time limit when you were sixteen.
3. Your parents will support you whatever you do
They wanted you to become a job they could a) boast about to their friends or b) see a financial return or c) fulfill their dreams vicariously through or d) at least get off their payroll. Now watch your parents' smiles twitch, eyes die and lives shorten as you tell them you've decided to pursue a career "doing something creative'".
4. Click here to claim your prize
Unless you're the sort of relentlessly optimistic glass-half-full type who sees a cookie cached and a trojan virus gained as a prize, you haven't won an iPad.
5. Television gives you square eyes
It just makes them worse. Probably.
6. It wasn’t Rik Rok
Look Rik, she caught you red-handed creeping with the girl next door. You were both caught making love on the bathroom floor. You shouldn't have forgotten you'd given her an extra key. And it almost certainly was you. Don't listen to Shaggy's advice.
7. We're almost there
You deserve this for asking the same question every five minutes, despite the answer previously having been "No".
8. Cracking knuckles will give you arthritis
Cracking knuckles release small gas bubbles within the joints. Arthritis is a hereditary genetic disease that can cause stiff joints and/or inflammatory around bones. There is no correlation.
9. The Friend-Zone
There's no science to this. If someone you fancy doesn't find you sexually attractive, it isn't because you've miscalculated exactly when to proposition them, it's because they don't find you sexually attractive. You aren't entitled to have sex with someone because you've spent enough time with them, you teen-comedy influenced buffoon. And yet, this person values you enough as a person to still want to be friends with you. If the 'friend-zone' does exist, it's surely preferable to being given the cold shoulder completely.
10. You look good in everything
No one can pull off the socks and sandals look. Except Will Smith. You aren't Will Smith. Probably. If you are, welcome to comedycentral.co.uk, Will! Like us on Facebook, follow us on Twitter and tell your friends! Do the same if you aren't Will Smith also.
11. I don’t care about your past
Until it begins to manifest itself in erratic behaviour, problems with intimacy, a strong desire to flee the country and a pavlovian tendancy to wet yourself whenever you see Ribena. Then questions will be asked.
12. Sorry my phone was on silent
This is short-hand for: "I was too busy living my life and don’t value you more than the game of Candy Crush I was idly playing to reply immediately."
13. Your school bully will end up in a worse job than you
Look them up on LinkedIn. Go on. Do it. Right now, then come back in two minutes. They're in a position of relative power at a massive corporation that probably pays loads a year, aren't they? You, however, are still working on a sitcom script that will never make anyone laugh. You're browsing comedycentral.co.uk looking for light relief while they're throwing sapphires around their solid gold mansion with everyone you've ever found attractive. You stink and they smell like premium brand soap. Unless you were the bully yourself, in which case: welcome! As one of life's achievers, we'd be very grateful if you could like us on Facebook, follow us on Twitter and tell all your petro-billionaire mates how great we are.
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