13 Of The Biggest Lies You've Been Told Your Whole Life
1. Everybody loves Raymond
Not all the time, and certainly not everybody.
2. Your academic achievements matter
Unless you're a surgeon, a rocket scientist or an actual academic/teacher, experience will always mean a lot more than how much stuff you were able remember about Hitler within a two hour time limit when you were sixteen.
3. Your parents will support you whatever you do
They wanted you to become a job they could a) boast about to their friends or b) see a financial return or c) fulfill their dreams vicariously through or d) at least get off their payroll. Now watch your parents' smiles twitch, eyes die and lives shorten as you tell them you've decided to pursue a career "doing something creative'".
4. Click here to claim your prize
Unless you're the sort of relentlessly optimistic glass-half-full type who sees a cookie cached and a trojan virus gained as a prize, you haven't won an iPad.
5. Television gives you square eyes
It just makes them worse. Probably.
6. It wasn’t Rik Rok
Look Rik, she caught you red-handed creeping with the girl next door. You were both caught making love on the bathroom floor. You shouldn't have forgotten you'd given her an extra key. And it almost certainly was you. Don't listen to Shaggy's advice.
7. We're almost there
You deserve this for asking the same question every five minutes, despite the answer previously having been "No".
8. Cracking knuckles will give you arthritis
Cracking knuckles release small gas bubbles within the joints. Arthritis is a hereditary genetic disease that can cause stiff joints and/or inflammatory around bones. There is no correlation.
9. The Friend-Zone
There's no science to this. If someone you fancy doesn't find you sexually attractive, it isn't because you've miscalculated exactly when to proposition them, it's because they don't find you sexually attractive. You aren't entitled to have sex with someone because you've spent enough time with them, you teen-comedy influenced buffoon. And yet, this person values you enough as a person to still want to be friends with you. If the 'friend-zone' does exist, it's surely preferable to being given the cold shoulder completely.
10. You look good in everything
No one can pull off the socks and sandals look. Except Will Smith. You aren't Will Smith. Probably. If you are, welcome to comedycentral.co.uk, Will! Like us on Facebook, follow us on Twitter and tell your friends! Do the same if you aren't Will Smith also.
11. I don’t care about your past
Until it begins to manifest itself in erratic behaviour, problems with intimacy, a strong desire to flee the country and a pavlovian tendancy to wet yourself whenever you see Ribena. Then questions will be asked.
12. Sorry my phone was on silent
This is short-hand for: "I was too busy living my life and don’t value you more than the game of Candy Crush I was idly playing to reply immediately."
13. Your school bully will end up in a worse job than you
Look them up on LinkedIn. Go on. Do it. Right now, then come back in two minutes. They're in a position of relative power at a massive corporation that probably pays loads a year, aren't they? You, however, are still working on a sitcom script that will never make anyone laugh. You're browsing comedycentral.co.uk looking for light relief while they're throwing sapphires around their solid gold mansion with everyone you've ever found attractive. You stink and they smell like premium brand soap. Unless you were the bully yourself, in which case: welcome! As one of life's achievers, we'd be very grateful if you could like us on Facebook, follow us on Twitter and tell all your petro-billionaire mates how great we are.
The 2019 Oscar Nominations Are Finally Here And WOAH
There are some real surprises.
50 Super Weird, Crazy Fun Things To Do In London
Come sniff Amy Winehouse's poo. We dare you.
Amazing Shows, Gigs And Plays You Can't Miss In 2019
From comedy to cabaret, fill up your calendar...
The One With Russ' Turns 23 Today And It's Still Weird AF
Almost a quarter of a century later, we still don't get it.
23 Years Later, Friends' Russ VS. 'Snaro' Mystery Is Solved
THIS IS BRAND NEW INFORMATION!
25 Weird And Wonderful Things To Do This Christmas In London
'Tis the season to be (very, very) jolly...
The Comedy Lovers Christmas Gift Guide 2018
Get some LOLs in your life this Crimbo.
The Impractical Jokers Spill The Beans On Season 7 Christmas Finale
"Who knows, Santa may show up or may not, we'll see!"
New Look Just Released A Range Of Friends Christmas T-Shirts
Here's to a lousy Christmas, and a crappy new year!
2-4-1 Cinema Tickets To See Some Christmas Classics
Home Alone, The Muppet Christmas Carol, Elf, Bad Santa and more at the BFI!
Dude! Stoner Saturdays Are Coming to the BFI
Under 25? You can get in for just £3
RuPaul Hints Trixie Mattel SHOULDN'T Have Won All Stars Amid Elimination Changes
"I didn't count on the other girls who came back being so vindictive [to Shangela]!"
The First Toy Story 4 Trailer Reveals A Dangerous New Character
"Somebody get him before he pokes an eye out!"
Rick And Morty Just Had Their Most Deadly Secret Revealed
This is twisted.
Elle McPherson Sets Record Straight On Rumours She Regretted Starring In Friends
"Had I known how successful it was before going, I think I would have chickened out because it was such an iconic show."
Which WTF Advent Calendar Will You Choose This Crimbo?
Dog food, gin, and even cheese! We've got it all covered...
Here's Every Single Detail Released About The Impractical Jokers Movie
The HUGE pranks, the wrap cake, the DIRECTOR'S CHAIR? This is all too much...
Oh. My. God! Ugly Naked Guy Called For A Friends Reunion
HE TALKED ABOUT THE POKING DEVICE.
Emotional Tom Hanks Had To Turn His Back On Toy Story Creators During Final Scene
He called the final movie "a moment in history'.
Ed Helms’ Most Memorable One-Liners
“Hey Phil, Am I missing a tooth?”