Proof The Oscars Are Bullshit
1999: A genre-defining visual masterpiece loses to a dork filming a plastic bag
No film has ever led to as many long black coat purchases as The Matrix. Did anyone walk out of American Beauty and decide they want to dress like Kevin Spacey? Did they footballs. American Beauty didn't even spawn one sequel, while The Matrix managed two, an animated straight-to-video thing and two games. The Matrix pioneered bullet-time technology, meant we now had a name for big long dickish jackets and had the best reading of "I know kung-fu" conceivable.
2004: A breathtaking transformation is overlooked in favour of a bunch of sad shit
Million Dollar Baby is bleak as hell, man. You know what isn't bleak as hell? Terry Crews singing A Thousand Miles by Vanessa Carlton in White Chicks. Sure, the rest of the film is unmitigated shit, and the makeup used to transform the Wayans brothers into white women is the stuff of nightmares, but Terry Crews singing A Thousand Miles is enough to warrant overlooking that. It's better than Hilary Swank (SPOILER) becoming quadriplegic, losing a leg and dying, anyway.
1980: The Best Picture of all time isn't, apparently
Airplane!, which came out in 1980, is the funniest film ever made. It introduced the world to the comedy stylings of Leslie Nielsen, taught a generation to speak jive and ruined the name Shirley forever. Yet according to the bumheads who give out awards, Ordinary People was the best film of the year. We haven't seen Ordinary People, but it doesn't take place on an aeroplane or have a scene where Lloyd Bridges sniffs glue, so it can eff off really.
1997: Mike Myers plays two roles, loses to a boat
THINGS AUSTIN POWERS: INTERNATIONAL MAN OF MYSTERY HAS THAT TITANIC DOESN'T
- Chest wigs
- A bit where a character has a wee, stops weeing and then starts weeing again but like multiple times
- A Burt Bacharach cameo
- Christian Slater saying "sherbert" in an English accent
- A lack of Billy Zane
1984: Someone reckons pianos are better than ghosts
Amadeus won four Oscars that year, while Ghostbusters only got nominated for two. Thirty years on, this seems like lunacy. When was the last time you heard anyone whistling the theme tune to Amadeus? Did Amadeus have Rick Moranis in a funny tracksuit, or Bill Murray saying "This man has no dick"? No, it didn't. It just had loads of wigs, and a young whatshername from Sex & The City. Not the main one or the other one, the other other one.
1994: A man who talks out of his bum somehow doesn't win
Forrest Gump has war, death, sadness, AIDS and politics. Ace Ventura has a dolphin, a man in a tutu faling over a hedge, and a young Monica from Friends. Both feature terrible haircuts. But if Forrest Gump was on telly now, would you watch it? Nope. It's really long, and makes naked attempts to tug on your heartstrings, and all goes downhill once Bubba runs out of different types of shrimp to mention. If Ace Ventura was on, though, you'd drop whatever you were doing. Plus death metal legends Cannibal Corpse are in it.
1985: Somehow a film where nobody wears a bra on their head is deemed to be less good than one where someone does
How the HELL can a film where two nerds make Kelly LeBrock out of a Commodore 64 while wearing brassieres on their heads not win Best Picture? It seems unbelieveable, but Weird Science wasn't even NOMINATED for anything, despite clearly being amazing. Out Of Africa won Best Picture that year, and all it's got going for it is a bit with a lion, but the lion doesn't even eat anyone.
2007: Hollywood's anti-stuntman bias blocks Hot Rod from glory
It would have been pretty surprising if Hot Rod had won anything, given that only six people have even seen it, but we're confident that history will be kind to it. Like, No Country For Old Men is good – it's got a man with interesting hair shooting people with a wacky-ass air-pressure gun – but it's hardly a laugh riot. Ridiculous stuntman comedy Hot Rod, on the other hand, improves with every viewing (NB most of these viewings have taken place while quite drunk).
Matt LeBlanc Has Spoken Out On THOSE Retirement Rumours
He's not leaving us, guys.
Shangela Doesn’t Want You To Hate On Trixie For Winning All Stars 3
We love a selfless icon.
Rick And Morty Star In Run The Jewels' Latest Hip Hop Video
This Sh!t is LIT!
The Winner Of RuPaul’s Drag Race All Stars 3 Is Revealed: Condragulations!
SO many spoilers in this article...
Instagram Account Turns Call Me By Your Name Into Monet Artwork
Yeah, they named it 'Call Me By Monet'.
RuPaul’s Drag Race All Stars 3 Finale Is TONIGHT, But Who Deserves To Win?
Tonight at 2am on Comedy Central!
Cartoon Impractical Jokers Is Here And It's Everything We Dreamed Of
It's all we ever wanted.
Rick And Morty Just Played The Main Stage At A Festival, WT Actual F
Life doesn't get better than this.
The Internet Shares All The Wonderful, Nice Things It Absolutely HATES
Dogs in costumes, guys. STOP IT.
Beyonce Fans Admit Depraved Things They'd Do For Concert Tickets And OK, WOW
Is everything okay at home, guys?
Teen Co-Star Tells Adorable Stories Of Will Smith On The Fresh Prince Set
"He was still a human being through the process of everything."
Matt LeBlanc Is Not Keen On A Reboot Called 'Old Friends'
"Personally? I don't think so."
RIP Stephen Hawking, Here Are Some Of His Funniest Moments
He will be missed.
People Are Claiming They Can Hear Janice Through This Photo
OH. MY. GOD.
This Dog Has A Human Face And The Internet Is Losing It
Is that a dog or a human?
The 2017 Funny Women Awards Results Are In
It's what they deserve!
The SNL Cast Impersonated The Oscar Nominees And It’s HILARIOUS
They were spot on.
Taylor Swift Has Us Screaming 'MOOD' In The 'Delicate' Music Video
Honestly, Taylor is us 24/7.
The Internet Shares Ken Dodd's All-Time Funniest Jokes
Fans & comedians pay their respects to the comedy legend, who has died aged 90.
7 Times You Missed Friends Foreshadowing Its Celeb Guest Stars