11 Platitudes To Get Through Any Conversation About Greece
Have pall-bearers carry you into the dinner party in a coffin made of Euros and feta, draped in a Greek flag, then jump out and announced you have made a ‘Grentrance.’
Solemnly shake your head at Greece’s €320bn of debt, then conclude that this crisis could simply be solved by “Giving Greece footballer’s wages.” This doesn’t make any viable economic sense, but it sounds like it might.
"What's Kendrick Lamar's favourite anti-austerity drink? Syrizup!” (Sizzurp is slang for Purple Drank (an illegal drink (that Kendrick Lamar likes (and Syriza is the name of the currenty party in power in Greece))))
“Comedy or tragedy? Either way, it's a Greek drama!" Then say 'drama' and 'drachma' alternately until everyone laughs
5. Uninformed quip:
“I wish I could vote ‘no’ on repaying my mortgage! And Kev back for that round last week! And my donor back for their kidney! This is the same!"
6. Illogical yuppy statement:
“Forget Bethnal Green, we should all buy property in Greece, bet it’s cheap there at the moment! Haha! We could buy the whole country! Haha! No but seriously now, let's literally buy Greece and turn it into a massive sandwich shop.”
7. Unhelpful and massively flawed 'comedy' advice:
“Need a job? Try Greece, there’s loads going at the moment! Especially in the sandwich shop.”
8. Opinion which requires no political knowledge beyond knowing that Yanis Varoufakis is bald:
“Varoufakis looks like Voldrmort, from the Harry Potter movies. And Bruce Willis, if Bruce Willis was playing Voldemort, from the Harry Potter movies. And a sort of Ross Kemp-Lite. Harry Hill without glasses? Gianfranco Zola without hair? Help me out here guys…”
9. Play on the fact that “Haircut” refers to a reduction in the value of borrower's debts:
“Greece don’t seem like they need a haircut to me!” When pressed for an explanation, pull out a picture of Varoufakis, who is bald.
10. Parrot Thomas Piketty’s opinion verbatim:
“After the war ended in 1945, Germany’s debt amounted to over 200% of its GDP. Ten years later, little of that remained: public debt was less than 20% of GDP. Around the same time, France managed a similarly artful turnaround. We never would have managed this unbelievably fast reduction in debt through the fiscal discipline that we today recommend to Greece. Instead, both of our states employed the second method with the three components that I mentioned, including debt relief. Think about the London Debt Agreement of 1953, where 60% of German foreign debt was cancelled and its internal debts were restructured.” Then pull out a fat cigar and proceed to puff the smoke in your fellow guests’ faces.
11. Change the topic and hope nobody notices:
“That Ariana Grande, eh? What a right donut!” Then proceed to lick a Yorkshire Pudding and vow to assassinate the Queen.
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