A Unified Theory Of Why All The Brexiters Are Growing Beards
You may have noticed that Brexit's campaigners slowly disappeared in the weeks following the decision. One by one, they retreated from public view.
Certainly, Boris has not, but as you will soon learn, there is good reason for this.
Yet the others have begun to re-emerge, rising from the primordial soup. And there is something different about them.
The first to appear was Nigel Farage, joining a comedy show on Russia Today: a sentence that sounds like a lie but is not. And Farage had changed more than his willingness to appear on Russian state television.*
That's right. You've already seen the news. He was sporting a filthy moustache, right there on his stiff, British upper lip. There was no missing it. It was like a little, hairy being growing out of Farage's face, ready to slowly take over its host. An apparent symbol of nonchalance that has in fact revealed the opposite - Farage and his friends are in grave danger.
I must admit, this was a mere theory until news broke once again. And this time, it was Michael Gove: the prize jewel of the British people.
This was even more suspicious, as it was almost a full day from initial reports of the beard before any images emerged. Gove clearly wanted to hide this development, it was no source of pride. His stubble meant trouble.
— Elliot Wagland (@elliotwagland) August 17, 2016
He gazes into the camera, nay, the abyss. His eyes scream, though his mouth cannot. For the follicles are in control now, growing stronger every day.
Yes, I had thought this only a possibility, but it is now abundantly clear: Brexiters are no longer able to hide the visitors from another planet that were hitherto contained inside them. They have become too powerful and, in turn, too large.
These shaggy beings implant themselves within unsuspecting hosts and hybernate, though their right-wing - let's say, Garlaxian - ideology slowly seeps through. Once they sense that their new environment has shifted in favour of their own political bent, they awake, and begin to break out of their unfortunate human shell.
For lack of a better term I shall call them 'Brexiter Beards'. Yes, Farage's has initially appeared as a moustache, but I assure you, it will not end there.
He and Gove are already lost.
"But what about Iain Duncan Smith?" You cry, disbelievingly.
Yes, he was a leading Brexit campaigner and a failed leader of the opposition. He looks like a baby that has grown into a full-size man without his face adjusting. There is little hair at all, even above his chin. What could his involvement in this possibly be? He is simply a man-baby, or baby-man.
To be sure, this is a fair assessment. But please, look a little more closely.
Do you see? Do you see the reptilian beneath? There is no mistaking it.
This explains his inability to grow a beard. Were Iain Duncan Smith a human he would, of course, join Farage and Gove in their chin-and-cheek-focused endeavour. But clearly he is not, and as a five-foot-something reptile with a human suit, he is simply unable to make hair sprout from his face. He is a creature from another world, a different world to the Brexiter Beards, but one we should fear equally.
"Then explain Andrea Leadsom," you retort. Well, I shall, as the explanation is quite simple.
There is no Andea Leadsom.
Leadsom was, in fact, a temporary creation of Theresa May, generated to allow our current Prime Minister to campaign for Brexit all while maintaining the pretence of supporting the Remain campaign. Let her not pull the wool over your eyes - she is an existential threat. Leadsom was a useful diversion that proved even more valuable when she was able to propel May to the leadership merely by dropping out of contention, then quietly reuniting with her usual form.
Yes, Theresa May is Andrea Leadsom, and the other way around. They are one and the same.
You think you may have me with one last counterattack. "Boris Johnson has no beard." And, to be fair, you are right.
But please hear my riposte - Boris is no Brexiter, Boris is simply an idiot.
And now that the Brexiter Beards have begun to spurt out of their host bodies, our time is short. The war between the Brexiter Beards and the Reptilians is coming, and humanity's destiny is to be the collateral damage.
Truly, we are doomed.
*This is, of course, a joke, as Farage has never had any qualms about appearing on Russian state television.
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