Trump's Draft Tweets: An Investigation
President-elect Donald Trump has had a wild weekend, staying up late to watch Saturday Night Live, then getting up early the next day to complain about it on Twitter.
Actually, he's been complaining about a lot on Twitter, which makes us wonder when he has the time to do his actual fucking job.
Yep, he's whined about SNL being unfair:
I watched parts of @nbcsnl Saturday Night Live last night. It is a totally one-sided, biased show - nothing funny at all. Equal time for us?
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) November 20, 2016
He's wailed about the Broadway musical Hamilton not being a "safe space" for his Vice President:
The Theater must always be a safe and special place.The cast of Hamilton was very rude last night to a very good man, Mike Pence. Apologize!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) November 19, 2016
And he's lashed out at the New York Times for reporting something they didn't actually report:
The failing @nytimes story is so totally wrong on transition. It is going so smoothly. Also, I have spoken to many foreign leaders.
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) November 16, 2016
All of this moaning and groaning made us wonder - if this is what America's next President sees fit to actually tweet, what the shit is in his draft folder?
What atrocious, meaningless bile has Trump written and decided not to broadcast to the world?
What doesn't get through this man's pissweak social filter?
To find out, we launched an investigation.
To determine how batshit Donald Trump's Twitter drafts folder is, relative:
a) to his own, regular tweets
b) to the standards of basic human decency
As the investigators have no access to Trump's draft folder, this study will be based entirely upon ''informed speculation'. This differs very little from 'pure speculation'.
Initially, investigators will find examples of Trump's most garbage tweets with the assistance of the Trump Twitter Archive, a searchable database of every Trump tweet that he ever did tweet.
Based on these examples, what we are calling the Fucked Up Quotient will be applied. Tweets with a level of basic human decency are award a FUQ of 0, on a scale from 0 to 10.
The FUQ of his existing tweets will be escalated, allowing investigators to extrapolate how Trump tweets at upper FUQ levels may appear. We assume that FUQ tweets of level 10 do exist in Trump's drafts.
First, we assigned a FUQ to four real tweets by the President-Elect.
The sentiment is terrible, but he is merely agreeing with the words of another piece of shit. This lowers the overall FUQ.
That he is commenting on the situation and calling her a dog is messed up. But there is a scale to these things.
The rationale for this should be clear.
Using September 11 to attack his rivals is intensely bizarre. A high FUQ is deserved in this case.
Keep in mind that these words were actually written by Donald Trump himself, and he had no qualms about hitting send. This means that whatever lies in his drafts folder must, by definition, be worse; or, more technically, must be more FUQ'd.
Based on these tweets, we were able to generate FUQ tweets* at the higher end of the range, as follows:
As you can see, Trump's existing tweets are beyond the pale, but the likelihood of worse thoughts existing in his mind is high. Based on our FUQ system, we have been able to determine just how bad these thoughts might be.
The only way that Trump can prove his draft tweets are not as bad as our models is to release his draft folder publicly. If, as we fear, they are actually worse, then God help us all.
* These tweets were created by a content monkey, not by Trump himself. They are merely a simulation. All other tweets in this article, however, are sadly real.
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