16 Times Donald Trump Was Straight Up Murdered
It's been a hell of a weekend, with Donald Trump signing an order to temporarily (but, really, who knows?) ban refugees, as well as people travelling to the US from seven majority-Muslim countries. Protests have broken out at airports across America and chaos has reigned as citizens of the listed countries have been detained on arrival, with others around the world unsure of their status.
In short, it's very bad.
Which is why you might be pleased to hear that the ban was recently destroyed by John Legend:
Now that is one powerful fucking speech. That is some historic shit. Legend's brutal takedown saw the White House revoke the order, allowing procedures to - ah, no. Shit. No, it didn't. Fuck. People's lives are still being torn apart.
And this is especially surprising, because weirdly, this isn't even the first time Trump has been decimated, annihilated, taken down and burnt to a tiny orange crisp.
This is a man unlike any the world has ever seen. Yes, this is a man who survived a shocking butt hole selfie. And who else could honestly say that of themselves?
Who else among us has been subjected to a merciless Twitter rant and lived to tell the tale?
There is no question that Trump is a zombie astride the political landscape, immune to death itself.
This man cannot die.
Britain's own John Oliver has allegedly disemboweled this man, a perverse act of murder that no one could possibly survive.
Evisceration - literally cutting him open and letting his guts fall out - has achieved nothing.
And he has faced many other modes of death.
On the face of it, it would appear that Trump had been crushed by a wrecking ball operated by a New York-based photographer. Yet still, he lives.
Reports of his demise were premature at best.
This brutal fuckwit has withstood even an unforgivable curse.
Magic itself cannot extinguish him.
So what are we to take from this? Is the President a Highlander? Is he the Asshole Who Lived?
Or are his opponents leaving him in Bond-like traps, walking away with the false assumption that he will be dead in mere moments?
If so, the truth is this: once an epic tweet has been fired, we must remain on location to identify the body.
Over and over, again and again, the President has been destroyed. By this point he shouldn't even exist in our imaginations.
We cannot simply report on his demise only to find him in the Oval Office once again, still taking down, eviscerating, destroying and demolishing people's lives.
And we are all responsible. We ourselves have falsely believed that Trump had been set alight by then President Obama, though as it turned out his body was not, in fact, fried, burned, or roasted. We apologise for the error.
Because really, there's only one headline that sums this whole infinitely repetitive mindfuck up:
Still, somehow, Trump survives.
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