20 Signs You've Watched Waaay Too Much Friends
20 years of mainlining the greatest sitcom ever have clearly taken their toll on you. But relax, this is a safe space – and the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem.
1 Whenever and wherever you hear that Rembrandts song, a Pavlovian reaction causes you to make a cup of tea and sit down
2 You can identify ANY episode - including the plot, all sub-plots and every major gag - between the first and last word of the opening line of dialogue
3 And you often catch yourself robotically mumbling along to bits of Friends dialogue, word-for-word, without even smiling
4 You've never successfully moved a large piece of furniture because this is the only technique you know...
5 ...and you're only able to estimate seconds by counting "Mississippily"
6 You can still recall the day you finally came to terms with the fact that there isn't an episode out there that you've somehow never seen
7 You're incapable of ordering a salad without fighting the urge to make it sound dirty
8 If somebody made the calamitious error of placing you within the wrong Friends category - i.e. labelling you a Total Mon when you're so clearly a Phoebes - you'd immediately be able to offer two-dozen counterpoints to their flawed hypothesis
9 You meet a stranger who says they've never seen Friends; you feel unnerved, as if they've told you they have a tooth growing in their nose
10 If you're ever with anyone who gets a jellyfish sting, you ARE going to pee all over it (without once pausing to question this particular scientific nugget)
11 You require extra hugs around Thanksgiving, which despite not even being a national holiday here, always leaves you oddly wistful and misty-eyed
12 Even though your love-life is in tatters, you refuse to accept that all those years of drunken shags with your mates were a bad idea
13 "Hooking up" is now fully integrated into your internal dictionary, along with "on a break", "getting coffee" and "foosball" (although you still sound ridiculous when you use these phrases)
14 Your cupboards are filled with absurdly large mugs, even though coffee gives you crazy palpitations
15 You'll forever feel slightly guilty about being British, thanks to this woman:
16 You have a mate who people have advised you may have some serious mental-health issues...
...but you reckon she's just "a bit Phoebe"
17 Upon hearing this song, you will perform "The Routine", entirely from muscle-memory
18 This film (2012's Wanderlust) was a total mind-bending headf--k for you:
Hey, Mike! Back the hell off Rachel, dude!
19 And you've still no idea who THIS chump is, and where the HELL Ross and Emma are:
20 Finally - and perhaps most pitifully - you've ACTUALLY vented anger at somebody with a Geller fist-bang
Friends In Very Important Numbers
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