Stop Being Crap And Start Being Beyonce
1 Your hair should be moving, moving, moving at ALL times
Just look at your hair, sat glumly on your boring head like a rain-sodden nan in a bus queue. D'you think Beyoncé got where she is today by keeping her hair still?
Nuh and uh. Nuh-uh.
2 Wear glittery shit
Who wears glittery shit? Beyoncé.
Who wears a beige Gap cardigan they've owned since 2006? You do.
Who's a one-woman cultural icon and music-industry powerhouse? Beyoncé.
Who's not that? You. You're not that.
3 Get a better pet, FFS
Oh, so you've just posted yet another picture of your boring bastard of a cat on Facebook? Slow golf-clap for you.
Here's Beyoncé riding her bad-ass horse, which is probably called Zeus Majestus VII.
Mr Tiddles has to go. You see that, right?
4 Do weird stuff with your hands, constantly
Without looking down at them, can you even remember what your hands look like? Of course not. They're completely forgettable, anonymous and charisma-free.
Now check out Beyoncé's awesome wanking-spanners:
What do all these gestures mean? Nobody knows, not even 'Yoncé. Doesn't matter – they look cool. Now get those hands throwing shapes, or may as well chop them off (not that anybody would even notice).
5 Walk like you just got voted President Of The Goddamn Galaxy
Here's Beyoncé, nipping down Londis for a loaf of Hovis Best Of Both.
Is that how you walk? Don't bother answering, it was a rhetorical question. Your walk is crap.
6 Retroactively, have been a freakishly confident 12 year-old
Remember what you were like when you were 12? No? Blocked it out? Allow us to remind you: you were made of throbbing zits, awkward moments and wretched sexual frustration.
Here's Beyoncé when she was 12, on US talent show Star Search:
Obviously, it's too late to do anything about this now – unless you're currently 11, in which you need to focus all of your efforts on being less completely lame and more completely Beyoncé.
7 Exude an indestructable, deity-like confidence
Just look at you, apologising when somebody treads on your foot. Fretfully deleting all your drunken status updates, the moment you awake.
If you were to just bite the bullet and purchase a bright red, 20ft-high sign that stands behind you and reads "FLAWLESS"...
...then people won't even notice when you go all klutzy doofus.
8 Pull a f---ing pizza out your hair
"But I can't do that!" is not an acceptable response. If Beyoncé can, you can.
9 Get your mudflaps right up in everyone's faces
Your bum: believe it or not, lame-o, it's not just for sitting on or expelling last night's ready-meal. Beyoncé wields her bum like a loaded gun, except instead of poo, it's loaded with coolness-bullets, and they're aimed at your face. Kapow!
For the love of God, do something interesting with your bum. Give it a little rub. Maybe pull your pants right up so your arse-cheeks hang out. Something, anything. You'll never stop being crap if you're not prepared to put the work in.
The 2019 Oscar Nominations Are Finally Here And WOAH
There are some real surprises.
50 Super Weird, Crazy Fun Things To Do In London
Come sniff Amy Winehouse's poo. We dare you.
Amazing Shows, Gigs And Plays You Can't Miss In 2019
From comedy to cabaret, fill up your calendar...
The One With Russ' Turns 23 Today And It's Still Weird AF
Almost a quarter of a century later, we still don't get it.
23 Years Later, Friends' Russ VS. 'Snaro' Mystery Is Solved
THIS IS BRAND NEW INFORMATION!
25 Weird And Wonderful Things To Do This Christmas In London
'Tis the season to be (very, very) jolly...
The Comedy Lovers Christmas Gift Guide 2018
Get some LOLs in your life this Crimbo.
The Impractical Jokers Spill The Beans On Season 7 Christmas Finale
"Who knows, Santa may show up or may not, we'll see!"
New Look Just Released A Range Of Friends Christmas T-Shirts
Here's to a lousy Christmas, and a crappy new year!
2-4-1 Cinema Tickets To See Some Christmas Classics
Home Alone, The Muppet Christmas Carol, Elf, Bad Santa and more at the BFI!
Dude! Stoner Saturdays Are Coming to the BFI
Under 25? You can get in for just £3
RuPaul Hints Trixie Mattel SHOULDN'T Have Won All Stars Amid Elimination Changes
"I didn't count on the other girls who came back being so vindictive [to Shangela]!"
The First Toy Story 4 Trailer Reveals A Dangerous New Character
"Somebody get him before he pokes an eye out!"
Rick And Morty Just Had Their Most Deadly Secret Revealed
This is twisted.
Elle McPherson Sets Record Straight On Rumours She Regretted Starring In Friends
"Had I known how successful it was before going, I think I would have chickened out because it was such an iconic show."
Which WTF Advent Calendar Will You Choose This Crimbo?
Dog food, gin, and even cheese! We've got it all covered...
Here's Every Single Detail Released About The Impractical Jokers Movie
The HUGE pranks, the wrap cake, the DIRECTOR'S CHAIR? This is all too much...
Oh. My. God! Ugly Naked Guy Called For A Friends Reunion
HE TALKED ABOUT THE POKING DEVICE.
Emotional Tom Hanks Had To Turn His Back On Toy Story Creators During Final Scene
He called the final movie "a moment in history'.
Ed Helms’ Most Memorable One-Liners
“Hey Phil, Am I missing a tooth?”