Taylor Swift's Shake It Off Vs. Nicki Minaj's Anaconda: Which Is Outrageous-er?
1 Wanton Danger-Baiting!
For an artist with a supposedly 'squeaky-clean' image, Taylor's video features a lot of adrenaline-crazed, injury-threatening leaping.
How would Taylor feel if an impressionable young fan replicated her boombox-vaulting, only to crash to the ground skull-first? Brains, teeth and bits of innocent face everywhere.
Recklessly hopping between ballet-legs? That's a one-way ticket to Brokenlegsville – and the buffet car is now open.
Now she's not even looking where's she's jumping. Come on, Taylor! You're better than this.
In the video for Anaconda, however, Nicki Minaj sets a far better example, performing her moves from a safety-conscious seated position.
Take note, Taylor: that's what sensible looks like.
Granted, Nicki is playing with fire here, osteopathy-wise...
...but she swiftly redeems herself by adopting a textbook risk-free position: face-down on the ground.
Kids, this is how you have fun dancing and stay safe at the same time!
2 Lusty Misdeeds!
Would Taylor care to explain why she and her dancers are wearing skirts designed to stay aloft, revealing their underpants at all times? Where do you even purchase such distasteful items? It's a new low in sleazy pop fashion.
We're also 'treated' to this shameful display of Taylor furtively crawling beneath groins like some grubby, hedge-dwelling pervert...
Nicki, meanwhile, is content to simply enjoy the sunny weather with a gal pal.
Don't forget to stay hydrated, ladies!
3 Subliminal Messages!
You probably didn't even notice, but Nicki earns herself a little extra pocket money with some subtle product-placement. First up, there's a Beats Pill...
Did you spot it? Keep looking!
Then there's the hint of a whisper of a wink to Nicki's own drink brand, Myx.
Did you see it? No? See if you can spot the hidden branding in this clip:
No? Never mind.
Taylor, however, is up to something far more sinister in the video for Shake It Off.
What could all these cryptic hand-signals mean? Are they perhaps some kind of depraved Illuminati code? Deadly instructions to a terrorist sleeper-cell? Or a subliminal message to youngsters, urging them to hurdle portable stereos in groin-exhibiting skirts?
That's three different things – so chances are, it's got to be one of them.
4 Disturbing Displays Of Unbridled Rage!
Taylor Swift – takes things in her stride, right? Sets a good example for the youngsters, yeah?
She oughta change her name to Tantrum Swift!
In her video, Nicki displays disgruntlement only once: when she accidentally gets whipped cream on herself, and a banana is not to her liking.
"Tsk. Not to worry!" she seems to be saying.
5 Unsavoury Cameos!
Nicki's rap-pal Drake makes a fun (and wholesome!) guest appearance – uh-oh, looks like he's managed to best her in a game of musical chairs!
Haha - better luck next time, Nicki!
And Taylor? Well, she appears to have invited Todd Alquist – the meth-cooking, drug-dealing, child-killing psychopath from Breaking Bad – along for a dance.
Real nice company you keep there, Taylor!
In fact, who's to say that everyone in this climactic chorus line isn't some kind of wanted sex-offender or violent career criminal?
Seriously, Taylor: what kind of message does that send to your fans?
Conclusion? Taylor Swift is an amoral bottom-feeder who'd probably mug her own nan for ten Benson and a bottle of White Ace. Sign our petition on Change.org and help us put an end to this vile woman's senseless depravity.
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