12 People You Need To Unfriend On Facebook Today
1. Your Mum
They’re good for a guaranteed like on every post, granted, but nothing marks you out as a Billy-No-Mates social media sap more than regularly interacting with your mam.
2. Your Dad
Sure, it’s funny at first, but after a while it becomes profoundly depressing to see the man who raised you fail to grasp the simplest of websites.
3. Your Friend’s Mum
Once you’ve seen one racist Minions meme, you’ve seen them all.
4. Racists In General
You should have shorn these mugs already, but we’ll let you off if you use today to unfriend anyone you see amongst the clowns that have liked the Britain First page.
5. New Parents
Unless you’re comfortable having pictures of someone else’s burbling child beamed onto your phone-screen every single day, they’re a lost cause.
6. People You Added During Freshers' Week
Benny from Block D who also liked that movie you like. That girl you met on that one social for that society you never went back to. Whoever the fuck Mickey ‘Fun Pints’ Fintonbury is. You’re never going to see these people again.
7. Mates From School
Nothing diminishes the memories of your youth quite like seeing your old pals post weekly selfies from the same pub you snuck into aged 16, where nothing has changed except their ever-decaying looks.
8. Your Childhood Crush
Keeping them in your friends list just in case that day finally comes where they realise you were The One all along, are we? Save yourself the helpless despair of watching them raise a wonderful family without you by deleting them today.
How many more ‘MASSIVE ROOFTOP DINNER PARTY PLUS WAREHOUSE RAVE + VINTAGE CLOTHES SWAP SHOP X WES ANDERSON MARATHON feat. DJ SCUZZBUTT’ invites can anyone realistically decline? Today’s the day to finally say: no more.
Attend one of their slam poetry sessions/stand-up gigs/amdram productions/battle of the band nights out of politeness and sympathy and these people will never leave you alone again.
11. Anyone Counting Down The ‘Sleeps’ To Anything
Holidays, festivals, Christmas. You don’t need round-the-clock updates of when someone else’s fun is due to commence. Especially as the misery only restarts once the day finally arrives.
Happy couples make you feel lonely. Arguing couples make you feel anxious. Breaking up couples make you aware of the inevitable tragedy of love. Relationships have no business being on Facebook. Delete.
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