11 Ways For Scrooges To Avoid Christmas Until It's Actually Goddamn Here
Christmas is still over a week away, but EVERYWHERE you turn there's tinsel, chocolate, screaming children and general merriment. BAH, how DARE THEY?!
The world's foisting festiveness upon us and maybe, just *maybe* not everyone wants it, y'know?! Here's how to avoid it...
1. Don’t turn on the telly.
Who saw John Lewis new Christmas advert this morning, I absolutely love this, made cry and laugh all at once, every year they do these incredible adverts that are tear jerking, this particular one made me think of my nan especially the song **one day I'll fly away** @johnlewisretail amazing .. This is the story of a little girl called Bridget who loves to bounce. When her mum and dad buy her a trampoline for Christmas, they soon discover that she isn’t the only one with a passion for jumping .. #bustertheboxer #johnlewis #christmasiscoming #christmasadvert
It’s all heartbreaking festive adverts and breathy voiceovers. Go to the 99p shop and buy a DVD of highlights from the 2012 Olympics – it’ll not only feel like summer, it’ll feel like summer five years ago when you were younger and better-looking.
2. Don’t go into any high street coffee chains.
3. Don’t listen to any music.
Radio stations and MTV have dusted off their Christmas playlists and it’s sleigh bells and Slade everywhere. If you must have something other than silence, play Slayer’s 29-minute thrash classic Reign In Blood on loop until such a time as you feel it would be acceptable to hear Jingle Bells.
4. Don’t go into the supermarket.
It’s all crackers, turkeys, wrapping paper, sausages in blankets, big-ass foil, stockings, the whole lot. Live for as long as you can on whatever shit you have stored in the freezer and then exclusively visit corner shops. Although…
5. Don’t go into any shops at all, actually.
Coca-Cola is the most purchased item on Earth, and it keeps wanting to tell you it’s goddamn Christmas when it isn’t goddamn Christmas. Don’t set foot in a shop until December 23rd AT LEAST.
6. Don't interact with any animals.
Animals don’t know what Christmas even is, and yet some of them just scream it out. If a reindeer wanders over and offers you its nuzzle, or a robin comes and rests on a nearby fallen branch, it’ll look like a Christmas card and feel ine-fucking-scapable.
7. Don't interact with any people.
People are bad. They’re all excited about Christmas, counting sleeps and counting shopping days and showing off about plans and buying stuff and hashtagging stuff and being awful, just awful. Until maybe 12 hours before Christmas day, the concept of friendship is anathema.
8. Genuinely, avoid people. They're awful.
No need for this shit.
9. Don’t go to the countryside.
Imagine stumbling across a sight like this. "STOP BEING SO FRICKING MAJESTIC" you'd shout, and that weird adorable wolf thing would just look at you, confused, scared and horribly horribly Christmassy.
10. Don’t go to the city.
Oh no! Jesus! No! It's everywhere!
11. Don’t go outside.
It’s all leaves falling off trees, crisp air, the low winter sun, robins, shit like that. Stick a picture of a balmy tropical paradise to the outside of your window, a bit like people sometimes do with fish tanks, to feel like you’re on a lovely warm holiday. Turn the radiator up, only wear your pants, and hide under your duvet until you hear Santa coming.
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